The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Three

Part Three: the Lonely Sandbag with a Leak

Here are some random, completely untrue facts about the new state that I have decided to call home:

- Colorado is both the 38th as well as the 43rd state of the United States.....it makes sense if you accept the fact that Idaho doesn't really exist.

- The state bird is the groundhog.

- Colorado is home to the highest population of nocturnal randomly howling dogs.

- Colorado and Kansas have been at war since 1861, but the Colorado Militia hasn't led an offensive for over a hundred years due to the fact that Kansas is so unorganized, they keep attacking themselves.

- Shuffleboard is outlawed in Denver.

- Not being smug is outlawed in Boulder.

- The state bird is the Mexican.

- The Rocky Mountains were originally named the 'Lenny Mountains', until Lenny got flattened by a rock.

- Colorado has the highest percentage of stolen American Flags in the states.

- Colorado has the second highest number of hacky sack related deaths, second only to Indiana of all places.....but that's probably because Indiana's state motto is "kill the hippies".

- Colorado is home to what is known as "the Most Unsuccessful Sea-Port in the World".

- The state bird is Bob Denver.

- About 34% of all Coloradans are not in the other 66% in this poll alone.

- The rain never makes it to the ground in Colorado. EVER!

- Denver has the third highest population of Emo kids, who buy their depression from Hot Topic.

- Just like every other state, Colorado is the birthplace of the cheeseburger, which is a bragging right I've always wondered about.

- Colorado is the home and headquarters for the Society of Cannibals against Rational Thought.....or P.E.T.A. for short.

- Four out of every three Coloradans believe in unicorns, whether they admit it or not.

- Greeting someone is considered 'foreplay' in Fort Collins.

- Colorado's state motto is "at Least We're Not Montana"....which is also the same state motto for Nevada.

...and that's enough for now. I will most definitely have more fun and completely untrue facts to share with you as the future unfolds for me in my new surroundings.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Two

Part Two: I'm Only Safe when You're at Walmart

So, I am under the impression that I owe you all another list of ten facts thanks to Rachael.....but this time, ten facts about vomiting. So let's get started, shall we?

1. I really have no reason ever to set foot into a McDonalds, due in part to hating the place as well as seeing Supersize Me, but even more than that, McDonald's food has always held a slight aroma in my mind that can only be compared to the vomit and sawdust combination that traumatized many of us back in grade school whenever one of our classmates threw up all over his or her desktop.

2. I once threw up in a friend's fish tank. There were no survivors.

3. I would much rather vomit in public at any given day in any giving circumstance than shit myself ever. If you are new to this blog, my fear of poop filled pants was covered in a previous list of ten random facts.

4. While I can't think of any time vomiting is actually enjoyable, throwing up while incredibly too stoned on pot is probably the worst of times. I don't smoke the stuff any more, haven't really for a long long time (damn becoming somewhat responsible!), but if memory serves, it was a bad enough feeling getting sick while high that I just might opt to shit myself instead.

5. My mother is the absolute most sensitive person in the world when it comes to puke. If she see's someone throw up, she'll follow suit shortly after. If she even hears the sounds of gagging, she's sure to vomit! My brother and I used this knowledge to our advantage while growing up. Sorry mom!

6. I nearly wet myself during the vomiting scene of Team America. Not only because it was one of the funniest scenes of the movie, but I discovered that even puppets puking can make my mother sick.

7. A balloon just floated past my window. That has nothing to do with vomit or vomiting, but I thought I'd share.

8. I remember being sick in the middle of the night several times when I was a small zombiespoon. I remember my father placing a large pot next to my bed in case I had to throw up in the wee hours of the morning, and I remember having to use that pot to catch the half digested contents of my stomach.
Now, I also remember being sent to my room for the nights I refused to eat dinner when I saw that same fucking pot being used to cook chili in!

9. I think someone should write a book about throwing up in every state. Clint? I'd buy that coffee table book before Kevin's Church Sign book.

10. My school took the entire eighth grade class to King's Island at the end of the school year. Some of my friend's and I managed to sneak vodka in with us and proceeded to get "tore up" for lack of a better way to put it. My diet that day consisted of much popcorn and too much vodka. You probably see where this is going, but just wait, it gets even better.
I finally braved the line for the coaster dubbed 'the Beast' (I have an insane hatred of lines). I also managed to get myself placed in the very first car. Now, about a few minutes into the ride came the realization that I was going to get sick. Not the "God I hope I don't get sick" or the "Maybe I can hold off getting sick"....no. This was the "Oh, here it comes" sick.
I remember having the vision of the coaster that someone got sick on where they threw up to one side and covered the side of the car. I didn't want to be that person. In my eighth grade inebriated state I had the genius idea that when my insides made their way out, I would vomit them into the sky above me, avoiding car covering disaster and probably winning the key to the city and a date with Madonna. (Keep in mind, this was the 80's). So, when the event happened shortly after, I threw my head back triumphantly, expecting my puke to fly into the heavens. What actually happened was that the entire top of my head became saturated with vodka, popcorn and stomach acid, followed shortly by the screams of everyone who was unfortunate to be sitting in the cars behind me that day.
I did not get the key to the city that day....nor has Madonna ever called.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part One

Part One: the Butter Dish Dust

I have been terrible at keeping up not only with this here bloggish type tool, but with friends and family in general. I have been meaning to update everyone with the tale of leaving Pennsylvania for Kansas City, and then the journey onward to Colorado....but what I just typed is all that you are going to get. Sorry. Too much time has passed and what I had originally formed to write in my mind has been replaced with little dancing bunnies wielding knives and grinning at me menacingly.....so I choose not to think of it.

The big news is this: basically I am now becoming a Coloradian, or whatever the hell they call themselves here. At least for the time being, if not longer.
I am currently living in a little town just North of Denver called Westminster, in an apartment shared to me by my brother and our friend Kristen.
What started as a visit has now turned into a relocation.
My stuff, on the other hand, is still living in Pennsylvania.....I bet it hasn't found work either.

Let's Re-Arrange the Alphabet......for Some Reason...

Today, I am proud to announce, that I discovered the joys of altitude sickness! Hot damn! For those of you not familiar with this condition, let me just say that it is a lot like having a very bad flu only instead of being brought on by a microscopic virus, it is brought on by Colorado.
Yep, I have made it to the fine state of Colorado, where the air is thinner, the mountains are in full view, and blood is apparently replaced by goo. This is a very strange area; nothing over two stories tall exists, there are no such things as 24 hour convienient stores, and Kansas is right to the East of here!

I started this blog this morning actually, with the intentions of summing up my travels thus far.....but then the vomitting hit me and afterwards I spent the rest of the day in bed dreaming of Emo kids digging for potatoes that screamed when unearthed. Now it's 3 in the morning here, and although I do feel better than when I was bent over a toilet, I still feel spent.
So, hello to everyone! I'm still alive, and I'll write more later when I feel up to it.

Oh, and I have recently been "tagged" again (thanks Rachael).....so I suppose that I need to come up with ten more facts to share with the lot of you. Bah!

Tag Body Spray smells like Cat Urine, and other useless factoids...

Damn you Shoobedobedobedooooo!! I am now required by law to answer this request.

"The rules are: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 5 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' on their profile and tell them to read your latest blog. ENJOY!!!"

So, here are my 10 facts in no particular order and in no real related subject or category.
May you all learn a little more about me as well as leave a dinner in the freezer for too long, causing it to suffer from severe freezer-burn and render it inedible!

#1- I fell down on the treadmill today at the gym I've been going to. I had my iPod sitting in the tray infront of me, and when I got the speed up to a good run, the iPod bounced it's way free and fell to the fast moving tread below. My first instinct was to try to catch it, which caused me to trip and land on my knee. The iPod had already been sent into the wall behind, and I followed, but not before losing the knee of my workout pants as well as most of the skin on my knee. I couldn't answer the people who were asking me if I was ok, because I was laughing too hard.
Needless to say, yes, the room was filled with very cute women today.

#2- It is unwise to touch my neck....EVER!!

#3- I have a fear of shitting myself while at a workplace. I used to work with Chad at a place called Strategic Marketing (which is a proud sponsor of Hair Club for Men) and it had one restroom for the men that was ALWAYS occupied! I am a fairly regular person, and when I have to go, I HAVE to go. But, it seemed that the restroom was always being used by someone who would be checking their hair, masturbating to the newest Financial Rag, or whatever else a man does in a bathroom for up to 40 fucking minutes at a time! I came up with the plan to create an emergency "I crapped myself" kit, that would contain a clean pair of underwear and pants, a lot of wet-naps and some garbage bags. I planned to hide this kit in the ceiling behind one of the removable panels in the restroom....but scrapped the whole idea deciding I'd rather just shit in the office of the person taking their time in the restroom, if it ever came down to that.

#4- I absolutely hate squirrels. Fuzzy tailed fucking tree rats.

#5- I suffer from the occasional night terror, which I blame my parents for. One of my earliest memories is of my room in Kansas City when I was either 2 or 3. Somehow, my parents had acquired a few dozen promotional posters for TWA which they used as wallpaper on the wall across from my bed. Thinking back on them, they were actually very cool, containing great seventies style illustrations of the different countries that TWA would go to. (I wish I had them now....they were really cool). But, the one directly in front of my bed, and in the center, was the one for India....which was an illustration of the profile of an elephant's head. It was a highly decorated elephant, with gold and tassels and what not, but the elephant's eye was proportionally small and smack in the center of the head. At night the room would be pitch black but the eye would be visible. The only visible thing in the room.....just starring at me. It terrified me, and I slept very little....I would just lay there and stare back.
I think my parents did that to me on purpose.

#6- I cannot stand soft drinks. I prefer to get my caffeine from coffee.

#7- I met Andre the Giant in Ohio when I was ten.

#8- I have a dead hand. That is, I came very close to losing my drawing hand in October of 97 when I lost my temper at work (Kinko's) and put my hand through a gumball machine (the gumball machine was an accident....I was aiming for the breakroom lockers which the manager and I had designated as the Kinko's punching bag) and got a glass shard through my wrist. The glass severed my nerves, opened my artery, severed some tendons and lodged itself in between radius and ulna bones. This was just the beginning of the story.....the longer version goes on to tell about how I was misplaced at the hospital, nearly bled to death, was told that I would never have use of that hand again, two operations by Dr. Kutz (luckily one of the best hand surgeons) and a lot of physical therapy. I have since regained all the mobility and strength in my right hand, but have absolutely no feeling in it any longer, besides the thumb. Hence....I have a dead hand, and a cool scar.

#9- I hate wind chimes....actually, I dislike the sounds of bells altogether. It's like nails on a chalkboard for me. I used to live below one of my best friends, Clint Allen....who always promised me that he's take that fucking windchime down from outside my bedroom window, but he never did. It's ok though, because I had keys to his apartment and I peed in his bleach while he was out one day.

#10- I have a strange love for old, weathered or otherwise just strange and creepy dolls. I collect them, and have actually ruined a date with a woman upon her seeing my collection after being invited in for a drink, which was code for sex. She never spoke to me after that.


Alright....and now I'm required to Tag 5 other people with this. Damn!
#1- Clint Allen....because he hasn't posted a blog for a long time.
#2- Bloomin'.....just for the fact that he's going to say that he's hot somewhere in the following comments.
#3- Elizabeth....she is probably not going to do this, even though she should.
#4- Rachael....so I can make fun of all her typos.
#5- Mungmopper (me brother)....for obvious reasons, plus, I love his blogs and he hasn't done one forever.