Are You Okay? (Fun with Mental Illness)
(Trigger Warning: Very long post containing mental illness and self harm)
Yeah, so let's address the big sad elephant in the room.
If you follow the stuff I post with any consistency, I imagine that it’s fairly obvious I have been struggling as of late. While I’ve never tried to keep it a secret that I have suffered, or rather DO suffer, from mental illness my whole life (at times becoming laser focused as a crippling depression) I’ve always been careful not to advertise it as it happens for the most part (which I’ve recently learned is called “masking”....I’m a professional Masker it seems….) The past few months, that became harder and harder to do (….well, until I’m not).
Being able to look back, it’s clear to me now that I’ve actually been steadily sliding for several years, possibly starting with my father’s death in 2019….more than likely beginning even further back. There were so many clear warning signs that I was blind to: the slow and steady withdrawal from friends as well as any and all things social, the loss of interest in creating until I found myself uninterested to draw or write these past few years, the inactivity and decline of my health and body, the loss of a relationship that meant everything to me just a short time before it unceremoniously withered and the lacking of any befitting remorse during and after it did, and then there’s the drinking - which went from a nightcap a time or two a month to several every evening, and eventually just straight swigs from the bottles. In general, simply becoming more numb and removed…waking early to go to a job I despised, in a city over a thousand miles from where I truly wanted to be, only to come home, remain isolated and alone and drink myself to sleep….rinse and repeat…..and actually being convinced the whole time that everything was fine.
And then, this previous June, my mental health took several major direct hits in seemingly rapid succession, and the dam started to break.
There really is no way to dampen what I’m now about to say…so…
Last month I tried to end my own life….or, more accurately, I took my life but was rescued. By all accounts I shouldn’t even be here to write any of this; it truly is down to dumb luck that I am, despite not seeing it that way at the time.
I’m not a fan of the term ‘nervous breakdown’, even though I understand the reason for its use. Mental breakdown, nervous collapse, cracking-up, meltdown, anxious tailspin, mental fracture - pretty much any term used to describe the condition does nothing to lessen the stigma associated with it. Depression itself is difficult enough to describe to those who don’t suffer it…a complete mental/nervous breakdown is near impossible to relate. Let’s just start by saying that it’s not exactly sadness. Hell, even with general depression I believe sadness is just a product, as if the mind reaches for the closest approximate emotion to make sense of what it’s experiencing. The best way, if I were to sum up a breakdown, is to say it is a severe and chronic pain that in effect isn’t actually there, as if one’s very soul is torn and hemorrhaging, yet there’s nothing that you can point to or show up in scans.
You can genuinely feel your own nervous system, as it seems to take on a constant uncomfortable, almost electric droning that ebbs and flows in its severity. As opposed to chronic depression which is a master of hiding itself in plain sight, a mental break fully drops the curtain, hijacks the brain and shuts down rational thinking, and you find yourself unable to trust your own thoughts.
This is just the bare surface of a description….like I said, trying to illustrate what it's like to others is near trying to recount a phantom taste or a never before witnessed color.
There’s an unbearable loneliness and isolation that comes with this level of depression, and that’s partly why I’m writing this now. As I sit here writing this, the only person who knows of my attempt is my brother (...I mean, not counting the involved police, paramedics, two doctors and various hospital staff, as well as three separate therapists at this point….having lost health insurance in July, the sheer amount of debt I am now in just being kept alive..well…there’s a few inappropriately sardonic jokes I could easily make).
The meme of “Men Need to Know..” I’ve attached to this post is one I’ve seen floating around from time to time, and it’s been on my mind during all of this. The first time it crossed my path I absolutely agreed with it, I probably even reposted it, garnering a multitude of likes, comments and reposts from other like-mindeds….I don’t remember. But now I see it differently, for the glaring flaw within it.
Let me say again that I agree with the sentiment. I want it to be true, I really do. It’s the kind of thing that makes anyone with empathy think “Of course, without question!”, but it’s a fallacious message.
While the perception of mental illness in all its diversities has come a long long way from the days of confinement, forced ice baths, electric shock and lobotomies, it still for the most part is widely misunderstood. It’s hard enough, I believe, for anyone suffering to be able to do the things on that list by design of the illness itself…but narrowing it down to the target of men, well, seems paradoxical.
Believe me, I can already feel the push back and the fact that I lost many of you right there. If this were on a more open forum I could expect a multitude of comments to the effect of “Poor men thinking it’s harder for them”, most of which would be more colorful and far less compassionate (I expect I’ll receive some here). And I get it, I’m an adult white male that grew up in a white middle class family at the end of the Twentieth Century….it doesn’t get more privileged than that. Yet, the fact that not only would there be that type of reaction from a percentage of people, but that I know there would be and have struggled with the very fact of writing about it, well, therein lies the rub.
It’s a strange time to be a man (just cringing while writing that sentence reinforces it to me). Much of the time I feel I’m in a pattern of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. We’re expected to shed much of the toxicity that has been ingrained in us for generations, but without thinking what that would look like ... .and then we’re shamed for not being what is considered ‘masculine’, acting like a man or what-the-fuck-ever.
There’s a trend on Social Media I’ve noticed for a while now where people describe what men do that “gives them the ‘ick’”, and the majority of replies are not about our aggressive behaviors, mansplaining, gaslighting, ghosting or any of the many from the list of bad traits that we deserve to be held accountable for….instead, it's a tally of “when they hold the door for me” “when they approach” “when they don’t approach” “when they’re nice”, and (what I’ve heard the most) “when they talk about their feelings”!
I have close friends whom I love, that are compassionate and empathetic, and that I’ve been in the presence of while they jokingly (or sometimes not) talk about another man who had exhibited any of the listed vulnerabilities, even if mildly. I don’t think any less of them for this, I don’t think they’re even aware of what they’re doing; Hell, I’m guilty of such myself, and of all people, I should know better! It’s an absolute learned reaction.
I know this sounds resentful but I don’t mean it to be and I’m not trying to place blame on anyone or everyone. But we (I) see and hear these things, and it does nothing but reinforces the deep seeded belief that we’ve (I’ve) been raised to hide our feelings, suppress them, and deal with your shit “like a man”.
I wanted nothing more than to ask for help, to scream for someone to see me….but the closest I could come to that was almost childish and vague posts about being unhappy or eluding to depression; and then even brushing off those who DID reach out by playing it off that “I’m just going through it, but everything’s fine” and not accepting the help that was clearly being offered.
The fucking shame I felt. Shame for feeling as low as I did, for needing help, for not asking for it, for not accepting it….and finally, for trying to end it.
Shame even now for writing about it.
We’re in a time of transition, redefining what gender means, and we’re learning what that is together.
While I think a lot of progress towards the positive has been made, there are still so many changes that we (men) have to keep working towards…but there’s also a lot of changes that need to happen around us as well…and that’s the core of the issue I now take with the meme. The idea is right, but the target is wrong…”Everyone Needs to Know it’s okay for Men to….”
So, why am I writing any of this, especially after saying all of the above? I suppose that I still feel the need to reach out, however late in the game it is, and I’ve always been better at writing than speaking, especially when it comes to my thoughts.
Despite everything described so far….I AM doing much better, and improving every day. I’ve had to undergo counseling after my release, I’ve had my medication adjusted and we’re monitoring the effects..and I’ve slowly started venturing back out into the world, which right now is nothing more than daily trips to the gym for exercise, or to the store when I need groceries. I’m not quite ready to see people just yet. While the storm I’ve experienced is passing, I’m still dealing with the damage. Just the little I’m in the world makes me anxious, as if everyone around me knows that I lost my shit, that I spent days curled up on the floor without moving, that I heard voices, had insane thoughts, and that I tried to eliminate myself.
And please take this as us discussing this subject already, for this is about as close to actually talking about it as I can get to yet....and when we do cross paths, I’m still just going to say “Everything’s fine”.
(Note: you all have NO IDEA how long this took me to write out, and the sheer amount of editing and rewrites it went through…the moments I almost deleted it all. I started this shortly after being released from the hospital weeks ago and find myself in a completely different (better) mindset now as I finish it. I did my best to make it cohesive but considering the circumstances it might come across a bit disjointed and with an inconsistent tone…..which might be a good example of mental illness in and of itself? Let’s pretend that I intended that.)
EATING RODENTS FOR SCIENCE
It’s been a couple of weeks since making this website (and blog) live and I thought that I’d share with you a little bit of what has been in the works lately:
As far as this here website is concerned, I am in the process of photographing a lot more work I’ve created since leaving Denver (4+ years ago now) in order to fully update the galleries, using new gear that I’ve recently acquired in order to get better images to share.
On the subject of new gear: A lot of the new gear that I’ve been slowly accumulating is due to the YouTube channel that I’ve been threatening to start. I have started filming
A SHADOW BY ANY OTHER NAME...
Recently I created a new Instagram account (as well as starting a TikTok profile) in the hopes (plan) to start creating and sharing more content. I’ve been making an effort to separate my personal social media with ones dedicated to art and creating.
I realize this post is a little preempted as I really haven’t added any content to either account, but there are things in progress that will change that in the near future.
WHERE THERE BE ASHES....
Started preparing a bunch of drawings to add to the Etsy Store over the weekend. Have a LOT of unlisted mounted 4x5 drawings and several large framed 8x10 ones that are still in the process of being photographed and what-not.
Hoping to start adding them online soon.
NEW THINGS EATING OLD THINGS...
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| ….some of the new equipment and set-up |
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| zygoat will become the face of my store… |
YOU SHOULD WRITE A BLOG AGAIN, SAID NO ONE...
Do people read blogs anymore? Or anything that is longer than a single-sentence-status-update or a selfie?
Tales from a Citrus Swamp…
Or: the History of the Bog Orange
First, an admission: I have a habit of drawing faces on things. Some might call it an annoying habit, as it sometimes takes the form of drawing faces on unattended items belonging to others, which usually entails their food. Take the following picture as a small example:
One of the main places that this could happen was at work. Coworkers tended to leave things unattended near me all the time, and if these items had any kind of a surface that would lend itself to having a face, it usually got one. This would include Coffee to-go cups, paper bags from fast food or convenient stores, tampons (true story….I got one of my many “talkings to” for that) and fruits.
Oranges tended to be one of my favorite items, I suppose due to their having a rounded, lumpy head-like shapes that in many ways mimicked the drawings that I already do.
A few years ago I drew one of these (what has since become known as “Mort” faces) on the unattended orange of my co-worker Sam, who worked with me in the basement of the art store. He dug it so much that he put it on his shelf of items on his desk, refusing to peel it and eat it. I’m guessing that the original idea was to throw it away eventually, when it would start to rot….but that never happened. Instead, the orange slowly shrunk down and mummified in the dry Colorado air in this basement. The peel became a rock solid skin, and you could feel that the insides had basically dehydrated to nothingness, leaving the orange hollow and petrified.
Sam brought a bag of oranges in to work one day, specifically for me to draw on. using sharpies and paint markers, I created near a dozen more….and we put them away on a shelf, and watched over the next several months as they too shrunk and mummified.A few other coworkers and several friends, it turned out, loved these little guys and I ended up giving most of them away as gifts.
Not long after that, I found myself looking through the oranges in a produce store, trying to pick several of the best candidates for the next batch. This group I took home to my studio and put aside, deciding to draw the faces AFTER the mummifying. While I’m sure there is a much quicker way to desiccate an orange or, for that matter, a group of oranges, I don’t know it. Plus, there is something satisfying in watching them slowly shrink and tan over the weeks and months.
While this was happening I had started to take up sculpting little creatures out of clay and resin (more on that in a later post), and eventually (you can see where this is headed) I wondered if it possible to sculpt on the dried orange husks themselves….
…..and as you can see from the previous photo, it turns out that it is!
So, along with the other projects that I was sculpting, I included these new, what became known as “Bog Oranges”, as each orange became ready. Pictured below is the entire first set.
At the time of this blog post, I’ll be adding each of these little creatures individually on my Etsy Store.
The Walking Onion…
Dear god, its been a while! And that’s all I’ll say on that matter! This post isn’t about where I’ve been, but rather, what I’ve been doing. In this case, about my newest build for the latest Denver Zombie Crawl.
The last two years I had gone to the event as one of my drawings, a zombie character that I named Mort. Last year I decided to retire him, due to the impracticality of the costume not having arms, as well as the fact that the head piece was actually starting to show signs of falling apart.
I decided to create a whole new zombie for this year’s Zombie Crawl.
First, like the last build, I started by doing several layers of mache’ over a large rubber kick ball. After several layers, I was able to smash it down and reshape it into more of an oval/egg shape. Then I used more newspaper to build up the chin and mouth area…
After several layers of more mache’ over the built up area, I cut out the area for my head to fit in, and pulled out the deflated ball….
Next, I cut out the mouth through both layers. I would later clean up all the cut out areas with a few layers of mache’ around the edges.
The mouth itself was built out of a leftover piece of oval shaped mache’ from a previous project. The teeth and gums were sculpted onto it out of a polymer clay…
….and glued over the mouth after the perfect placement was determined. This would be the predominant area that I would eventually see out of while wearing the head.
First test fitting. At this point I had already cut out the eye sockets and added detail around them with more polymer clay. Also, I created a fracture at the very top of the head, detailed around the edges with polymer clay, and filled with a soft styrofoam from a craft store.
For the inside of the head, I made a place that cradled my forehead as well as a place for my chin. Not only did this help hide my face from being easily seen through the openings, but it made the head fit more stable, like a mask.
Next, I finished up the details around the eyes and skull fracture, and added some around the open mouth. The inside of the head was painted with a black primer, and the parts wear my face and head would fit were sealed with a few layers of clear acrylic.
I had been mulling over the idea of making hands, and finally committed to them at the last second. I made them by cutting out the back of the hands from a mailing tube and gluing on some velcro straps. The fingers were made from wooden dowels and wire; shaped, and then fixed in place with polymer knuckles. The whole hands were covered with a few layers of mache’ after baking.
The finished sculpts, ready for painting. (stuffed the head and skull fracture with paper)
After a few layers of white primer, all the pieces were painted in a variety of colors of acrylic. Being colorblind, I was kinda hoping for the best.
….and finished!! Several layers of paint, glazing and dry-brushing. I also painted the styrofoam in the fracture black….
….before adding the finishing touches of flowers.
At the last second (the day of the Denver Zombie Crawl) I decided to make some quick business cards to give out….for promotion, yes, but mainly to ask folks who take photos with me to send me a copy via email.
And here’s the finished look moments before the Zombie Crawl. I named this guy “Vincent”, for obvious reasons.
Like I started this post, it HAS been a while! Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me here, and I hope to share some new stuff with you soon!
Usurping with Coffee Stains…
It might take me a while, but I eventually do make good on my threats…of course speaking about finishing a new website, finally!
So, Welcome to the new/redesigned website!
Even though it’s been a long time in the works, this being it’s first week finds it with a few things that are still needed, namely: a more complete gallery and a working storefront…..as well as dancing monkeys. I will be adding to the galleries over the next few weeks as I scan or photograph current works – and I hope to have a working storefront in the same amount of time, after I figure out the correct way to appease the Finance Gods (not sure if I’m supposed to sacrifice a money stuffed virgin chicken on the Full Moon or the New Moon….and I don’t know how to check a chickens hymen).
Basically, what I’m saying is: Please stop by! I hope that you like my work, and if you do, check back often for updates.
Con Paredes Para Honrar a los Muertos...
Another Book Plus Twenty…
So, I basically left off my updates here with the completion of the Alphabeasts (albeit, late completion), and during those weeks of drawing and posting, I alluded to the fact several times that I planned on collecting all of them in their own tome (for I like the word “tome”….as well as the fact that many people asked me how they could see or acquire this series).
BUT; (isn’t there always a “but”?) I wasn’t done just by finishing the series. While making the initial list of creatures to coincide with each letter of the alphabet, there were many that turned out to be second runners up….and third and fourths for that matter. So I kept drawing, and eventually completed an additional twenty creatures.
Here is a tease of the additional beasts:
I am still working on this collected volume I’ve been threatening to make available, which will contain all the alphabeasts shown online as well as the twenty added.
I hope to have a bit more information on it in the very near future.
Exit Diogenes…
It truly has been a long time since I posted any updates here, and as many of you might already know, a main reason for that has been the death of an old, good friend Jason Noble on August 4th. Jason had been fighting a rare form of cancer for three years, and his death hit all of his friends and family hard, as anyone could imagine. It also made my little narcissistic ways seem completely unimportant for the time-being.
I cannot really say anything that this article hasn’t said better: http://leoweekly.com/music/carry-him-forward
In any case, a lot has gone on since my last update, and I have a lot of catching up to do. But for now, let me once again say goodbye to Jason, my friend and someone I totally looked up to, and leave you all with just a bit of the beauty he left behind.
You will be missed….
Listing Imaginary Orthographies...Part 21 thru 26
Finally! The last six (waaaaay overdue) Alphabeasts. There are at least ten more that I'm finishing up that will be included in the book I plan to publish of all these....
“U is for Unicorn”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
“V is for Vampire”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
“W is for Will-o-Wisp”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
“X is for Xolotl”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
“Y is for Yūrei”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
“Z is for Zombie”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper
This was a fun project and I happy to have been a part of it. If you want to see the collection of Alphabeasts from all the contributors, you can do so HERE.
Listing Imaginary Orthographies...Part 20 of 26
T is for Toothfairy
“T is for Toothfairy”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper …the twentieth week of Alphabeasts.
Listing Imaginary Orthographies...Part 15 of 26
O is for Ouroboros
“O is for Ouroboros ”– 3.5x5 inch - ink on paper …the fifteenth week of Alphabeasts.