the Greatest Blog I have EVER Written redux
Alright....so as many of you have figured out by this point, I'm a bastard. No, it's true. That last blog post of mine was nothing more than a false title with no body and set to private in my response to the growing number of private blogs being posted recently. Annoying, isn't it?
See, if you are going to write a blog post on your public forum, then why in the name of the toast that I dropped on the floor earlier today and ate it anyways would you then make it private?! Don't they still make those things of pages bound together called diaries? Some even have cute pictures on them of Hello Kitty, and some even say PRIVATE and come with tin foil locks.
Bah! Bah I say! Bah!
Bear with me here folks, I'm exhausted right now. I only started writing this post right now to explain the last post, as well as to let everyone in on the fact that I will be leaving from Pennsylvania tomorrow, first for the family swamp of Kansas City, and later for the state of Colorado. I might return here, and I might not. There is a good chance that Colorado might be my next homeless step towards the goal of Seattle. I really can't say right now. But, regardless, I'm leaving and probably not going to be online that often for the next several weeks.
Now, just because I'm not going to be around as often for a while doesn't mean that I don't love you. The truth is, I have never loved you, and if your mother had been on birth control pills like she said she was, we wouldn't even be discussing this now......wait.....sorry, I just suffered a weird flashback.
It's been a long, long day......I need to lay down. Goodnight.
See, if you are going to write a blog post on your public forum, then why in the name of the toast that I dropped on the floor earlier today and ate it anyways would you then make it private?! Don't they still make those things of pages bound together called diaries? Some even have cute pictures on them of Hello Kitty, and some even say PRIVATE and come with tin foil locks.
Bah! Bah I say! Bah!
Bear with me here folks, I'm exhausted right now. I only started writing this post right now to explain the last post, as well as to let everyone in on the fact that I will be leaving from Pennsylvania tomorrow, first for the family swamp of Kansas City, and later for the state of Colorado. I might return here, and I might not. There is a good chance that Colorado might be my next homeless step towards the goal of Seattle. I really can't say right now. But, regardless, I'm leaving and probably not going to be online that often for the next several weeks.
Now, just because I'm not going to be around as often for a while doesn't mean that I don't love you. The truth is, I have never loved you, and if your mother had been on birth control pills like she said she was, we wouldn't even be discussing this now......wait.....sorry, I just suffered a weird flashback.
It's been a long, long day......I need to lay down. Goodnight.
the Greatest Blog I have EVER Written!!!
This blog post is set to PRIVATE and only the author and a select few of people better than you can read it.....and believe me, it changed all of thier lives!
Friday Ate all my Funyuns.....
As I'm sure most of you can't remember, yesterday was Friday....or to be more specific, April 20th....or 4/20.....THE 4/20!! Now, I had made up my mind long ago never to become involved with this particular day, especially after Nancy Reagan's captivating "Just Say NO to April 20th" campaign.....but the day snuck up on me much like the 12 year old dealer in those commercials: "Hey man, you wanna try something that's COOL?" "Uh, what?" "Some April 20th. It'll blow your mind!" "Uh....I...I don't know....Nancy says..." "What?! Are you CHICKEN?!" "I'm not chicken! You're a TURKEY!"....and then McGruff the Patriot Act Dog appears and says, "That's right little inbred Billy Bob! Only minorities and communists get involved with April 20th. Now, kick him in the balls and tell a teacher!"
I have to say that I felt pressured and cheated yesterday. I never agreed to April 20, and finding myself on it left me angry and with no one to kick in the balls besides the neighbor who was walking his dog...which led to my hiding from the cops for a good portion of the morning. I wasn't about to explain myself to the police due to the fact that they were blatantly on April 20th themselves!
Actually, as the day progressed, I started to notice just how many people were on April 20th. Everyone I encountered was, and it led to the realization that it was a safe assumption that EVERYONE was!!! This made me think that not only was the day far less dangerous than sold to me, but the whole War on April 20th was an overly expensive government implemented failure! I decided to just relax and experience the day with an open mind.
I have to admit here that I honestly don't know what the big deal is. None of the food that I consumed during the day tasted any better, the colors of things looked the same, I didn't feel at all any more creative than any other day, and I would still rather listen to the sounds of a kitten getting slowly strangled than listen to the Grateful Dead or Phish! Going further, I also experienced none of the negative effects promised me by the famed propaganda film 'April 20th Mania'; I didn't rob a bank, I didn't suddenly father 13 mexican children and go on welfare, Socialism didn't suddenly make sense to me, and I didn't create a Saturday morning program with people in costumes in order to corrupt the Nation's youth. It became clear to me that everything I have ever heard about this day was either a flat out lie, or exaggerated to insane proportions.
That is, until this morning. I awoke this morning to the sad truth that is April 20th as being a 'gateway' day. Don't believe me? Just look at your calendar.....it's already April 21st! As much as I never agreed to 4/20, I never expected to find myself on 4/21! At this rate, I'll find myself on April 22nd by the end of the day! If you do the math as I have, you will see the snowball effect of days leading to other days, eventually leading to the consuming of months, and then years! The only logical outcome to all this is our inevitable death, and I'm afraid the downward spiral is already in full effect.
Damn you day peddling Gregorians! Damn you!
I have to say that I felt pressured and cheated yesterday. I never agreed to April 20, and finding myself on it left me angry and with no one to kick in the balls besides the neighbor who was walking his dog...which led to my hiding from the cops for a good portion of the morning. I wasn't about to explain myself to the police due to the fact that they were blatantly on April 20th themselves!
Actually, as the day progressed, I started to notice just how many people were on April 20th. Everyone I encountered was, and it led to the realization that it was a safe assumption that EVERYONE was!!! This made me think that not only was the day far less dangerous than sold to me, but the whole War on April 20th was an overly expensive government implemented failure! I decided to just relax and experience the day with an open mind.
I have to admit here that I honestly don't know what the big deal is. None of the food that I consumed during the day tasted any better, the colors of things looked the same, I didn't feel at all any more creative than any other day, and I would still rather listen to the sounds of a kitten getting slowly strangled than listen to the Grateful Dead or Phish! Going further, I also experienced none of the negative effects promised me by the famed propaganda film 'April 20th Mania'; I didn't rob a bank, I didn't suddenly father 13 mexican children and go on welfare, Socialism didn't suddenly make sense to me, and I didn't create a Saturday morning program with people in costumes in order to corrupt the Nation's youth. It became clear to me that everything I have ever heard about this day was either a flat out lie, or exaggerated to insane proportions.
That is, until this morning. I awoke this morning to the sad truth that is April 20th as being a 'gateway' day. Don't believe me? Just look at your calendar.....it's already April 21st! As much as I never agreed to 4/20, I never expected to find myself on 4/21! At this rate, I'll find myself on April 22nd by the end of the day! If you do the math as I have, you will see the snowball effect of days leading to other days, eventually leading to the consuming of months, and then years! The only logical outcome to all this is our inevitable death, and I'm afraid the downward spiral is already in full effect.
Damn you day peddling Gregorians! Damn you!
When Ratios Attack...
There are more than a few simple truths in this life. Truths that are consistent for everyone. Proverbs such as: What goes up must come down; An apple never falls far from it's tree; A cow that is dragged to a far off land is still a cow; and, It is unwise to hide in a pride of lions while wearing a freshly killed game suit.
There are just as many, if not more, truths that govern us that have not yet made it to proverb form, such as: the sun will rise and set regardless; drinking too much poison will kill you; eating asparagus will make your pee stink; eventually, your favorite television program will be interrupted by a weather report; and, exposure to enough Ben Afflec acting will cause untreatable testicular cancer in men AND women!!
Beyond these are the truths that are particular to the individual. Verities in life that may only be true to us and us alone.
The problem with truths is that when and if they ever become 'untrue' all at once, or for a single moment, they can have devastating consequences on an individual, community, society or the world as a whole.
Evolution, for example, replaced the popular truth many subscribed to that we were all created by an all powerful omnipotent golden fart 'who art in heaven' that had a plan for each and every one of us. While many were able to adapt to this new truth, either by accepting it altogether or by interweaving it within the plan of their creator, countless others couldn't. Many refuse the new truth, while many more lost their minds and are found clinging to jars of peanut butter as testaments to their faiths.
The same can be said for the truths of the individual.
Recently I found myself with salsa and no chips. Two full, unopened jars of salsa, to be more specific, and not a chip in the house....not even a chip substitute like a cracker. While this might sound trivial to everyone else, it has always been in my life that chips will out number and outlast the salsa, both at home and in pseudo Mexican restaurants. And now, for the very first time in my 36 years, I find that it is otherwise. The very fact of it might honestly have already torn the very fabric of my existence. Only time can tell where or how this will lead. Will I awake one day to discover that the sun has stopped in one spot in the sky? Will apples now migrate miles from their trees? Will I be able to drag a cow somewhere only to discover that it has become Ben Afflec? Will I travel to a store to buy a new bag of chips?
And, such as the subatomic particle who, once observed, not only changes it's mode or velocity of travel, but overwrites it's entire history with this new mode, will whatever change resulting from my unfortunate chip to salsa ratio overwrite it's own history and thereby effect the history around it? Could we all possibly awake tomorrow in small pools filled with pond scum to a new existence where we have descended from salamanders and not primates?
In any case, I await the consequences with equal parts of childlike fascination and abject terror, and whatever the outcome, I sit here praying to this jar of Creamy Peter Pan that the following days finds you all only dusted from the breeze of the butterfly's wings in a new world.....possibly one without Canada.
There are just as many, if not more, truths that govern us that have not yet made it to proverb form, such as: the sun will rise and set regardless; drinking too much poison will kill you; eating asparagus will make your pee stink; eventually, your favorite television program will be interrupted by a weather report; and, exposure to enough Ben Afflec acting will cause untreatable testicular cancer in men AND women!!
Beyond these are the truths that are particular to the individual. Verities in life that may only be true to us and us alone.
The problem with truths is that when and if they ever become 'untrue' all at once, or for a single moment, they can have devastating consequences on an individual, community, society or the world as a whole.
Evolution, for example, replaced the popular truth many subscribed to that we were all created by an all powerful omnipotent golden fart 'who art in heaven' that had a plan for each and every one of us. While many were able to adapt to this new truth, either by accepting it altogether or by interweaving it within the plan of their creator, countless others couldn't. Many refuse the new truth, while many more lost their minds and are found clinging to jars of peanut butter as testaments to their faiths.
The same can be said for the truths of the individual.
Recently I found myself with salsa and no chips. Two full, unopened jars of salsa, to be more specific, and not a chip in the house....not even a chip substitute like a cracker. While this might sound trivial to everyone else, it has always been in my life that chips will out number and outlast the salsa, both at home and in pseudo Mexican restaurants. And now, for the very first time in my 36 years, I find that it is otherwise. The very fact of it might honestly have already torn the very fabric of my existence. Only time can tell where or how this will lead. Will I awake one day to discover that the sun has stopped in one spot in the sky? Will apples now migrate miles from their trees? Will I be able to drag a cow somewhere only to discover that it has become Ben Afflec? Will I travel to a store to buy a new bag of chips?
And, such as the subatomic particle who, once observed, not only changes it's mode or velocity of travel, but overwrites it's entire history with this new mode, will whatever change resulting from my unfortunate chip to salsa ratio overwrite it's own history and thereby effect the history around it? Could we all possibly awake tomorrow in small pools filled with pond scum to a new existence where we have descended from salamanders and not primates?
In any case, I await the consequences with equal parts of childlike fascination and abject terror, and whatever the outcome, I sit here praying to this jar of Creamy Peter Pan that the following days finds you all only dusted from the breeze of the butterfly's wings in a new world.....possibly one without Canada.
So it Goes.....
One of my favorite stories about Kurt Vonnegut was relayed to me by a few professors that had taught at Iowa University for years. Apparently, a fun past time for him was to attend the final exams of classes that he didn't take (classes that were huge in numbers of students so he could test unnoticed), and about halfway through he'd throw a fit, as if he was a student that just reached the breaking point. He'd scream that he couldn't take it anymore, tear up his exam, throw the pieces in the air and run out of the room.
Why I never thought of this during my college days is beyond me! It just seems so necessary.
Kurt Vonnegut was one of the first writers that I fell in love with when I discovered that I actually enjoyed reading, regardless of the school system telling me that I should. His writing is simple and unpretentious, yet filled with a dark humor and subjects that are usually so off the wall that one would think that they couldn't be taken seriously....yet he could make them seem plausible.
It was with his books that I discovered that the strange ideas that I had swimming around in my own head might actually have a place in this world...a realization that I owe him greatly for.
For about a year of my life, I worked as the kitchen manager for a small, strange Tex-Mex restaurant known as Diamond Dave's in Iowa City. The kitchen window was situated just so, so that I had a near full view of the dining area beyond. One day, Kurt Vonnegut came in. He was in town to speak at the University, the same University that he threw stuff around in....and if I'm correct, the same University he was eventually kicked out of.
Needless to say, I was freaking out. I begged one of the waitresses to approach him and ask his name. Reluctantly, she did. She returned to tell me that I was wrong, that he claimed that his name was something about killing a fish. "Killgore Trout?!" I asked. She agreed. I then told he that she was stupid and I hated her. This was not uncommon. I constantly said this to many of the wait staff and they always laughed it off thinking that I was kidding, when more often than not, I wasn't.
This was when I was twenty years old, and still very self conscious and introverted/shy....and I didn't have the balls to approach him myself. That is probably for the best, all things considered, for I was wearing a damn hat that had chili peppers all over it....but I still sometimes kick myself thinking that I might have met one of my greater influences, maybe even had the chance to thank him and shook his hand....or at least get told to Fuck Off while he sat drinking margarita after margarita.
For the record...he likes his chimichanga almost burnt, and he wanted a hot sauce that he could "taste".
Goodbye Mr. Vonnegut....and thank you.
Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007
When there is no more Room in the Easter Basket.....
...the Undead Bunnies will Walk the Earth.
Many people find it hard to believe when they find out that I actually enjoy Easter Sunday....but it's fairly obvious if you were to break the holiday down. Think about it. After you strip away the colorful packaging, that is, the magical bunny, the eggs, the chocolate and beans and pastel colors, the uncle that drank too much before dinner and is sitting in the corner trying his best to get you to pull his finger for a quarter....what are you left with? A story of a man that rose from the dead. In other words, a fucking zombie! Hot damn! A zombie savior who walked from his crypt to deliver the message to his followers that they to will someday die.....and rise again. A whole zombie army on God's side! And for those of you still in doubt, I offer you this: "Eat of this bread, it is my flesh. Drink of this wine, it is my blood..." What do zombies do? They eat the living! The last supper was the first official Undead Boot Camp! Screw the DaVinci Code!
And people have the nerve to try to tell me how much better of a place Heaven is over Hell! Can you even imagine? Paradise filled with millions and millions of undead, lumbering around, bouncing into one another on their quest for absolutely nothing because they're DEAD! And the stentch!! They are walking on clouds in full view of the sun, rotting for eternity! Stick some roadkill in a child's Easy Bake Over, and then multiply that by infinity and I doubt you would still even be close to scratching the surface of what that might be like.
But there you have it, why I enjoy Easter. Millions of people remembering their zombie savior with the ritual "egg hunt", happily waiting for the day that they too will perish only to be given the gift of zombiehood.
Now, Jesus definitely wasn't the first to come back from the dead, nor was he the last. Below is a short list of other contenders to our immortal souls:
Basically, it can be said that Jesus was the right zombie in the right place at the right time. A walking dead with a message that the masses needed to hear, and in a time when bunnies outnumbered rats, as well as still laid eggs. Any other time and place would have had Jesus facing being burned, shot in the head or stabbed in the heart and then beheaded....and then where would we all be? Living one life and one life only, therefore, forced to see it as a gift rather than a curse as well as being held accountable for our actions. Oh the horror!
In any case, I do hope this day finds you all well and with adequate shelter and supplies to outlast this pending zombie invasion better known as the rapture.
Quit falling on my Knife!
As a person who as of late has access to cable television again, I have to state here that I fucking HATE Taco Bell commercials! The latest one being of a man in a giant test bunker testing nachos that have just been lowered to .99¢, and blowing out the windows by screaming "WOW!".....trying to proove that Taco Bell suffers no ill effect in the ever present "taste vs. cost" ratio theory we've all read so much about.
I just want to throw my coffee mug at the television!
I'm not being entirely fair to Taco Bell here. The truth of the matter is that I basically hate all commercials; actually, I hate all forms of advertising in general. I've always found it incredibly insulting when someone tries to cleverly "trick" me into thinking of their product first whenever I need (or think I need) a softdrink, new pair of shoes or adult diapers.
Many of my family believe that I should have gone into advertising due to my general disdain for the medium.....which makes no sense to me, seeing as I also have a hatred for the practice of putting babies on spikes, and no one has ever told me that I should pursue a career in that. I suppose it would come down to who offers the better benefits.
This brings me to one of my newest revulsions, the unnecessary drug campaign that has been flooding the airwaves and billboards for the past few years. Pills for weight loss, male enhancement (?), getting sleep, hair loss, being too tall, seeing unicorns, lycanthropy, fear of Alaskian Crabs, ect.
I recently was witness to the newest of these, a pill to combat RLS, or "Restless Leg Syndrome". Restless...Leg...Syndrome. Are you fucking kidding me?!
I'm guessing that this is just a new clever way to remarket Ambien or some other sleep aid, by trying to convince gullable folks that it could be their legs that are keeping them from getting sleep at night. Legs that feel more of a need to walk around and carry their host to the television to watch late night programing. I had no idea that lack of sleep could have such causes. This means that I actually suffered for over a year with SWSWENBSBAFANS....or "Sleeping With Someone Who Eats Nothing But Steamed Brocolli And Farts All Night Syndrome".....where was MY pill when I needed it?!
Maybe my family is right.....maybe this is my true calling. I'm sure I can come up with plenty of made-up conditions to sell people sugar pill placebos for. Grammaret, for Rachael and her typo symptoms. Graecusate, to help Bloomin' battle his being Greek condition. Clorox......for Clint.
And finally, Blogupril.....to help battle writing a pointless Blog on a whim,for myself.
I just want to throw my coffee mug at the television!
I'm not being entirely fair to Taco Bell here. The truth of the matter is that I basically hate all commercials; actually, I hate all forms of advertising in general. I've always found it incredibly insulting when someone tries to cleverly "trick" me into thinking of their product first whenever I need (or think I need) a softdrink, new pair of shoes or adult diapers.
Many of my family believe that I should have gone into advertising due to my general disdain for the medium.....which makes no sense to me, seeing as I also have a hatred for the practice of putting babies on spikes, and no one has ever told me that I should pursue a career in that. I suppose it would come down to who offers the better benefits.
This brings me to one of my newest revulsions, the unnecessary drug campaign that has been flooding the airwaves and billboards for the past few years. Pills for weight loss, male enhancement (?), getting sleep, hair loss, being too tall, seeing unicorns, lycanthropy, fear of Alaskian Crabs, ect.
I recently was witness to the newest of these, a pill to combat RLS, or "Restless Leg Syndrome". Restless...Leg...Syndrome. Are you fucking kidding me?!
I'm guessing that this is just a new clever way to remarket Ambien or some other sleep aid, by trying to convince gullable folks that it could be their legs that are keeping them from getting sleep at night. Legs that feel more of a need to walk around and carry their host to the television to watch late night programing. I had no idea that lack of sleep could have such causes. This means that I actually suffered for over a year with SWSWENBSBAFANS....or "Sleeping With Someone Who Eats Nothing But Steamed Brocolli And Farts All Night Syndrome".....where was MY pill when I needed it?!
Maybe my family is right.....maybe this is my true calling. I'm sure I can come up with plenty of made-up conditions to sell people sugar pill placebos for. Grammaret, for Rachael and her typo symptoms. Graecusate, to help Bloomin' battle his being Greek condition. Clorox......for Clint.
And finally, Blogupril.....to help battle writing a pointless Blog on a whim,for myself.
How Kirk Douglas Freed the Potatoes.....
As I'm sure you all are aware, St. Patrick's Day (the Irish national holiday which celebrates the life of St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland) is just around the bend.....a day in which all the world is allowed to become Irish for a day (except for Canadians) due to the little known fact that St. Patrick was NOT Irish himself, but had been born in Britain and had his first tour of Ireland when he was abducted into slavery during his teens by Irish raiders. On a slightly related note, let me say here that I am also looking forward to Spartacus Day, when everybody can become Kirk Douglas for the day (except Canadians).
St. Patrick's Day has also become a very educational resource for many non Irish peoples, seeing as it had finally been successfully campaigned as a day to showcase Ireland and Irish culture. Just a few of the things we can learn about the Irish from this holiday is that everything is green, everyone is drunk, a woman is known as "lass", many Irish men like to embarassingly yell "Woooooooooo!" when there is even the very slightest chance that they might see a lass's breasts, many Irish like to wear green bowler hats and you can piss anywhere that you like.
This is all new to me. My earliest memories of St. Patrick's Day involves being pinched constantly due to the fact that I neglected to wear any green item that day.....probably because of my French descent, which prohibits me to be part of any other culture, but does allow me to ask those same cultures for help when my country is invaded by a large foriegn power or by a little girl armed with a sling-shot and a nasty disposition. But the fact of the matter is that I learned to wear green in order not only to avoid being pinched by my fellow smug classmates, but also to become one of said classmates and exercise my right to inflict pain on those who had yet to learn.
This brings me to my proposal for an update on this tradition, keeping in mind that it has been several decades at least for people to get in step. I propose that we no longer just pinch the offending parties, but beat them silly in the streets as examples. I believe that this will fit in easily with the drinking as well as with the bowler hats and public urinating.
All those in favor, wear green this Saturday....except for Canadians.
St. Patrick's Day has also become a very educational resource for many non Irish peoples, seeing as it had finally been successfully campaigned as a day to showcase Ireland and Irish culture. Just a few of the things we can learn about the Irish from this holiday is that everything is green, everyone is drunk, a woman is known as "lass", many Irish men like to embarassingly yell "Woooooooooo!" when there is even the very slightest chance that they might see a lass's breasts, many Irish like to wear green bowler hats and you can piss anywhere that you like.
This is all new to me. My earliest memories of St. Patrick's Day involves being pinched constantly due to the fact that I neglected to wear any green item that day.....probably because of my French descent, which prohibits me to be part of any other culture, but does allow me to ask those same cultures for help when my country is invaded by a large foriegn power or by a little girl armed with a sling-shot and a nasty disposition. But the fact of the matter is that I learned to wear green in order not only to avoid being pinched by my fellow smug classmates, but also to become one of said classmates and exercise my right to inflict pain on those who had yet to learn.
This brings me to my proposal for an update on this tradition, keeping in mind that it has been several decades at least for people to get in step. I propose that we no longer just pinch the offending parties, but beat them silly in the streets as examples. I believe that this will fit in easily with the drinking as well as with the bowler hats and public urinating.
All those in favor, wear green this Saturday....except for Canadians.
Gauging Time with Breakfast Cereals.....
For those of you who are unaware, it appears that Benjamin Frankiln did see his shadow this year when he rose from the dead, resulting in the three week advanced change in Daylight Saving Time. That means tonight at 2:00 am, your clock will need to be advanced one hour in order to screw you out of at least one hour of sleep, as well as giving college students all over the continent the excuse to stroll into work tomorrow an hour late and feign ignorance to the whole situation.
You might ask yourself how this unwonted practice even came to be, or you may ask yourself why Rice Krispies are so hard to sink.....but I will only attempt to answer the first. The reason is simple: it lowers energy consumption. That should have been obvious due to the fact that high energy consumption and it's effects were such a hot topic back in 1784. But think about it for a second and it will become clear that Rice Krispies are air filled puffs of rice that barely break the surface tension of the milk.
But returning the the process of energy saving, it should be obvious the effects of one more hour daylight has. That is one hour less that many Americans will spend lighting their homes with high powered police chopper spotlights. The savings should be clear! One more hour of daylight at the end of the nine to five work day will allow many God Fearing Americans to avoid returning home to planet choking light bulbs, allowing them that extra hour to drive to and fro in their SUVs to purchase items in energy conscious candle lit stores and restaraunts, as well as the comfort of knowing that if they do happen to stay out late enough that the sun has dipped below the horizon, they can still drive home under the warm glow of the countries energy efficient street lights that are there for them during ALL hours of the now longer night.
This of course does not apply to those living in the Godless State of Indiana who apparently want to kill the planet by lighting their rooms in order to eat their tv dinners while watching Everybody Loves Raymond.
I for one not only support this despensible practice of time change, I welcome the three week advance with open armed enthusiasm for it's unarguably practical solutions to the debate on energy savings as well as helping solve the ongoing problem with lower travel costs, seeing how all American Airlines are now forced to spend billions to update their flight schedules to conform with the rest of the world's choice not to advance the time change three weeks early thereby passing on the non savings to you when you by a drastically higher flight ticket.
Join me next time when I talk to you about how the Easter Bunny saw it's shadow, returning Creationism back to the school text books and how that will hopefully lead to forced prayer.
You might ask yourself how this unwonted practice even came to be, or you may ask yourself why Rice Krispies are so hard to sink.....but I will only attempt to answer the first. The reason is simple: it lowers energy consumption. That should have been obvious due to the fact that high energy consumption and it's effects were such a hot topic back in 1784. But think about it for a second and it will become clear that Rice Krispies are air filled puffs of rice that barely break the surface tension of the milk.
But returning the the process of energy saving, it should be obvious the effects of one more hour daylight has. That is one hour less that many Americans will spend lighting their homes with high powered police chopper spotlights. The savings should be clear! One more hour of daylight at the end of the nine to five work day will allow many God Fearing Americans to avoid returning home to planet choking light bulbs, allowing them that extra hour to drive to and fro in their SUVs to purchase items in energy conscious candle lit stores and restaraunts, as well as the comfort of knowing that if they do happen to stay out late enough that the sun has dipped below the horizon, they can still drive home under the warm glow of the countries energy efficient street lights that are there for them during ALL hours of the now longer night.
This of course does not apply to those living in the Godless State of Indiana who apparently want to kill the planet by lighting their rooms in order to eat their tv dinners while watching Everybody Loves Raymond.
I for one not only support this despensible practice of time change, I welcome the three week advance with open armed enthusiasm for it's unarguably practical solutions to the debate on energy savings as well as helping solve the ongoing problem with lower travel costs, seeing how all American Airlines are now forced to spend billions to update their flight schedules to conform with the rest of the world's choice not to advance the time change three weeks early thereby passing on the non savings to you when you by a drastically higher flight ticket.
Join me next time when I talk to you about how the Easter Bunny saw it's shadow, returning Creationism back to the school text books and how that will hopefully lead to forced prayer.
The Night that David Died.....
Ok....by popular demand, or at least because Chad asked for it, I will now tell you of Dave who haunts the Kinko's.
First, a little background:
I worked for Kinko's for many years, the last several years of which, I worked alone on third shift. Now, Louisville at one time had six separate Kinko's stores (I had worked at five of these), my favorite being known as Louisville IV, which was the smallest of the six, and located just off of the University of Louisville campus. When I started working at this location, it was ranked last in the region, out of a number of 40 or 50 or the like. I had transfered there under the request of it's new manager and friend Max Foster. He hired all the right people, and within a few months, he brought that store from last to second in the region! How did the corporate office thank him and all of us? By making the decision to close the store and transfer the whole staff to Louisville III, which was the famed black hole Kinko's on Bardstown Road. Fucking retarded! But I digress.
So, our store closed and we moved to Bardstown Road and did our best there.
A little more background for you: I was sort of known as a "horror" within the staff at Kinko's....meaning, no one was safe from the practical jokes I might pull on my shift. As an example, our second shift color operator, Eric, had the habit of always leaving some uneaten or half eaten morsel behind the counter after his shift....and I had the habit of running whatever it was through the oversized laminator and then putting it right back where he left it. My favorite being the night he left an untouched McDonald's hamburger, still wrapped in it's paper. I unwrapped it and forced the hamburger through the laminator....which stretched it out to near ten feet of laminated Mickey D's goodness! I then trimmed it, rolled it up, rolled the wrapper around it and then rubber-banded it before putting it back for Eric to find. I think Eric grew to hate me.
But I never got the chance to mess with customers, because, let's face it, they were dangerous in the fact that their lack of humor could result in unemployment.
Like I said, I worked third shift alone....which meant that I really was alone for the most part from midnight to about six in the morning....give or take a few early morning walk-ins. But what I did seem to get a lot of, was phone calls. I hated late night phone calls due to the fact that 90% of them where people asking if we were open. Look, I answered the phone at three in the morning, it would be safe to assume that we were then open....especially considering that "Open 24 Hours" was just about the only REAL advertising that Kinko's ever did!!! (I remember a talk Max had to have with me when a customer complained that I had mentioned on the phone that actually we were only open 24 hours a week, being 4 hours a day)
Now, this particular incident took place several weeks after having moved from Louisville IV to Louisville III. The phone rang around one am, and I answered it.
"Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Dave, how can I help you?"
Yes, I used the name "Dave". Somewhere along the line of my Kinko's career I aquired the habit of using different names when I answered the phone.....hell, even my name tag mimicked this practice, being "Mr. Fishy - After Hours Duplication Guru". Sometimes I chose simple false names, such as Dave or Betsy, and sometimes I made up off the wall phone responses, such as "Dr. Sneak" or "Larry the Head". I do remember once even answering the phone as a baked potato. "Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is a Baked Potato, how can I help you?" "Who is this?!" "Kinko's"......no one ever pursued it after that. I suppose they never really wanted to ask wether I said I was a baked potato.
Anyways, "Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Dave, how can I help you?"
It was a run of the mill call, a woman asking if we were open and what kind of color copies we can do and if she were to bring them up there now could I copy them while she waits? Yes, I said....and that was it. She never showed up, which was not really uncommon. Many times people would call just for information and I'd never see them all night. So I thought nothing of it.
About an hour and a half, or so, later, the phone rang again.
"Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Fisher, how can I help you?"
"Uh, I hope you can help me." I recognized the voice, it was the lady who called previously, when I answered as Dave. "I went to your store on Fourth Street, but it's not there anymore. Did it move somewhere?"
A little more background information for you.....something that our store had only learned ourselves earlier that week. When the store on Fourth Street closed, that is Louisville IV, someone had the stupid idea to have it's phone number automatically foward it's incoming calls straight to our store on Bardstown Road. No one had told us this. Which meant that sometimes people would try to call a closed store, and instead of getting a message explaining that the store was no longer there, they would get someone at our store, who had no way of knowing that this person never intended to call us. We started to get a lot of confused and angry customers. Kinko's was in the process of fixing this problem, but as far as this evening goes, they hadn't yet.
"No, it didn't. I'm sorry, but that store closed a few weeks ago."
"But, I called it before going there. I talked to someone. Are you sure it didn't move?"
I could NOT believe how lucky I was!! This woman originally called the closed store, drove there to find it gone, returned home or where ever and proceeded to call MY store instead of trying to call the closed store again!! This was the Great Deceiver handing me a gift while looking at me with a face that convied "Now don't mess this up."
"No miss. You must have accidentally dialed one of the other stores. Like I said, that store's been closed now for a few weeks."
"I'm sure I called that store. It's the only number I had for Kinko's. I had to look in the phone book to get your number."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you. That store hasn't moved, it closed, and the phones are turned off. If you tell me who it was you talked to, I can tell you which Kinko's it was that you called. Or you could tell me what you called about originally and I could try to help you." ....all I was saying in the back of my mind at this point was Please, please, please, please, please, please!!!
"I talked to a young man who said his name was David"
"Dave?!!" I'm dancing at this point! She took the bait!!
"Yes."
This is where I changed my tone to suspicious and annoyed, boardering on angry.
"Who is this?!"
"What?"
"This isn't funny! Who the hell is this?!"
"I don't know what you mean!" Her tone was rising defensively. I have to mention also that my friend Kevin, who frequently visited me on my shift, was standing not five feet away with both hands covering his mouth and looking at me with a horrified expression that translated into I can't believe you are doing this!
"This is really sick, and I don't appreciate it!" I said coldly and flatly.
"What is? I don't understand."
"You say you talked to Dave?"
"Yes, he said his name was David."
"Miss," I started in a tone that was as serious as I could manage, "I don't know who it was that you talked to, but it was NOT Dave. Dave was murdered in that store on his shift several weeks ago! That's why it's closed now!" Kevin was dying at this point, trying not to make a sound while he laughed into his hands. I had practically hurt myself trying to say that last line without even cracking a smile and giving myself away.
There was a long pause before I heard a quiet "Oooohhh....." followed by the click of the woman hanging up.
As far as I know, this woman never tried to call the other store and as a result was forwarded to ours again. I never heard about this again, meaning either the woman never discovered that I completely conned her and still believes that she spoke to a ghost, or she figured it out somehow later yet chose never to pursue it. And considering the amount of times Max had to give me "talks" about the stunts I would pull, I know I would have.
I think it's safe to assume that I'll be going to hell.
First, a little background:
I worked for Kinko's for many years, the last several years of which, I worked alone on third shift. Now, Louisville at one time had six separate Kinko's stores (I had worked at five of these), my favorite being known as Louisville IV, which was the smallest of the six, and located just off of the University of Louisville campus. When I started working at this location, it was ranked last in the region, out of a number of 40 or 50 or the like. I had transfered there under the request of it's new manager and friend Max Foster. He hired all the right people, and within a few months, he brought that store from last to second in the region! How did the corporate office thank him and all of us? By making the decision to close the store and transfer the whole staff to Louisville III, which was the famed black hole Kinko's on Bardstown Road. Fucking retarded! But I digress.
So, our store closed and we moved to Bardstown Road and did our best there.
A little more background for you: I was sort of known as a "horror" within the staff at Kinko's....meaning, no one was safe from the practical jokes I might pull on my shift. As an example, our second shift color operator, Eric, had the habit of always leaving some uneaten or half eaten morsel behind the counter after his shift....and I had the habit of running whatever it was through the oversized laminator and then putting it right back where he left it. My favorite being the night he left an untouched McDonald's hamburger, still wrapped in it's paper. I unwrapped it and forced the hamburger through the laminator....which stretched it out to near ten feet of laminated Mickey D's goodness! I then trimmed it, rolled it up, rolled the wrapper around it and then rubber-banded it before putting it back for Eric to find. I think Eric grew to hate me.
But I never got the chance to mess with customers, because, let's face it, they were dangerous in the fact that their lack of humor could result in unemployment.
Like I said, I worked third shift alone....which meant that I really was alone for the most part from midnight to about six in the morning....give or take a few early morning walk-ins. But what I did seem to get a lot of, was phone calls. I hated late night phone calls due to the fact that 90% of them where people asking if we were open. Look, I answered the phone at three in the morning, it would be safe to assume that we were then open....especially considering that "Open 24 Hours" was just about the only REAL advertising that Kinko's ever did!!! (I remember a talk Max had to have with me when a customer complained that I had mentioned on the phone that actually we were only open 24 hours a week, being 4 hours a day)
Now, this particular incident took place several weeks after having moved from Louisville IV to Louisville III. The phone rang around one am, and I answered it.
"Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Dave, how can I help you?"
Yes, I used the name "Dave". Somewhere along the line of my Kinko's career I aquired the habit of using different names when I answered the phone.....hell, even my name tag mimicked this practice, being "Mr. Fishy - After Hours Duplication Guru". Sometimes I chose simple false names, such as Dave or Betsy, and sometimes I made up off the wall phone responses, such as "Dr. Sneak" or "Larry the Head". I do remember once even answering the phone as a baked potato. "Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is a Baked Potato, how can I help you?" "Who is this?!" "Kinko's"......no one ever pursued it after that. I suppose they never really wanted to ask wether I said I was a baked potato.
Anyways, "Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Dave, how can I help you?"
It was a run of the mill call, a woman asking if we were open and what kind of color copies we can do and if she were to bring them up there now could I copy them while she waits? Yes, I said....and that was it. She never showed up, which was not really uncommon. Many times people would call just for information and I'd never see them all night. So I thought nothing of it.
About an hour and a half, or so, later, the phone rang again.
"Thank you for calling Kinko's, this is Fisher, how can I help you?"
"Uh, I hope you can help me." I recognized the voice, it was the lady who called previously, when I answered as Dave. "I went to your store on Fourth Street, but it's not there anymore. Did it move somewhere?"
A little more background information for you.....something that our store had only learned ourselves earlier that week. When the store on Fourth Street closed, that is Louisville IV, someone had the stupid idea to have it's phone number automatically foward it's incoming calls straight to our store on Bardstown Road. No one had told us this. Which meant that sometimes people would try to call a closed store, and instead of getting a message explaining that the store was no longer there, they would get someone at our store, who had no way of knowing that this person never intended to call us. We started to get a lot of confused and angry customers. Kinko's was in the process of fixing this problem, but as far as this evening goes, they hadn't yet.
"No, it didn't. I'm sorry, but that store closed a few weeks ago."
"But, I called it before going there. I talked to someone. Are you sure it didn't move?"
I could NOT believe how lucky I was!! This woman originally called the closed store, drove there to find it gone, returned home or where ever and proceeded to call MY store instead of trying to call the closed store again!! This was the Great Deceiver handing me a gift while looking at me with a face that convied "Now don't mess this up."
"No miss. You must have accidentally dialed one of the other stores. Like I said, that store's been closed now for a few weeks."
"I'm sure I called that store. It's the only number I had for Kinko's. I had to look in the phone book to get your number."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you. That store hasn't moved, it closed, and the phones are turned off. If you tell me who it was you talked to, I can tell you which Kinko's it was that you called. Or you could tell me what you called about originally and I could try to help you." ....all I was saying in the back of my mind at this point was Please, please, please, please, please, please!!!
"I talked to a young man who said his name was David"
"Dave?!!" I'm dancing at this point! She took the bait!!
"Yes."
This is where I changed my tone to suspicious and annoyed, boardering on angry.
"Who is this?!"
"What?"
"This isn't funny! Who the hell is this?!"
"I don't know what you mean!" Her tone was rising defensively. I have to mention also that my friend Kevin, who frequently visited me on my shift, was standing not five feet away with both hands covering his mouth and looking at me with a horrified expression that translated into I can't believe you are doing this!
"This is really sick, and I don't appreciate it!" I said coldly and flatly.
"What is? I don't understand."
"You say you talked to Dave?"
"Yes, he said his name was David."
"Miss," I started in a tone that was as serious as I could manage, "I don't know who it was that you talked to, but it was NOT Dave. Dave was murdered in that store on his shift several weeks ago! That's why it's closed now!" Kevin was dying at this point, trying not to make a sound while he laughed into his hands. I had practically hurt myself trying to say that last line without even cracking a smile and giving myself away.
There was a long pause before I heard a quiet "Oooohhh....." followed by the click of the woman hanging up.
As far as I know, this woman never tried to call the other store and as a result was forwarded to ours again. I never heard about this again, meaning either the woman never discovered that I completely conned her and still believes that she spoke to a ghost, or she figured it out somehow later yet chose never to pursue it. And considering the amount of times Max had to give me "talks" about the stunts I would pull, I know I would have.
I think it's safe to assume that I'll be going to hell.
We Would like to call Johovah to the Stand.......
While sitting in front of my laptop this morning, actually while writing another blog....apart from this, there came a visitor to the front door. Two visitors to be more exact, dressed in suits and carrying stacks of pamphlets. I noticed this right before I opened the door, and what I thought was "fuck". I thought this for a number of reasons, the first being that I realized that I was about to have another encounter with the Jehovah Witnesses. Second, I realized that they had already seen me approaching the door and the only way I thought I could escape at this point was to set myself on fire. Third, the door was half way opened before I thought of setting myself on fire, and the gasoline was all the way in the garage.
So, they introduced themselves and started on thier rehearsed speal, all the while looking towards me in hopes that I would invite them in.....which I had no plans to do. After about two or three sentences I finally found it in me to put a stop to it, by telling them both that I was an atheist and didn't care to hear anymore.
"That's a shame." One of them said immediately afterwards, also in a rehearsed fashion. "Can I ask you why that is?" To which I responded, "I just can't put faith in a Lord that gets sexually aroused by it's own poo." after which I closed the door on two slack-jawed, dumbfounded faces. Not the best response I know, but I had been caught off gaurd and all I really wanted was to cut them off in such a way that they wouldn't want to speak to me either. In that regard, I believe myself to have been successful.
But, the whole event has made me reflect on Jehovah Witnesses past, and of one incident in paticular, which I will share with you now:
At one point in college I shared a house with some friends on Rosewood Avenue, right off of Bardstown Road, which means nothing to you non Louisville folk. In any case, one morning Alec, Todd and myself were together in the front room playing Nintendo's Double Dragons, when I spotted a van moving slowly down our street. I pointed this out to my roommates, and we walked out on the front porch to see what the deal was. The van eventually came to a stop at the end of the street, and well dressed yougn men started filing out. Jehovah Witnesses!! Immediately we came up with a plan! Alec and Todd were to hide in the basement and act out a horrific torture session for our soon to be guest. I was elected to answer the door due to my ability to keep a straight face and think fast on my feet. We patiently awaited our victim....who, as it turned out, was a guy I worked with during my shifts at Kinko's. "Fuck", I thought, for a variety of reasons....the main being that this plan was never going to work due to the fact that I somewhat knew this guy. My roommates, on the other hand, had no way of knowing any of this, given thier vantage point in the basement, and promtly began with thier act upon hearing the doorbell. I have to say, I didn't expect them to be so loud! Alec and Todd both were banging things and Todd was screaming for both mercy and help. The volume was such that I could hear nothing else until I made the quick decision to step out onto the porch and close the door behind me.
Well, it was still on, I decided. So I did my best to act distracted and suspicious. He tried to make small talk with me, much like we did together at work. I tried to be short in my answers...every now and again looking back into the house through the glass door. I have to tell you this....the timing couldn't have been more spot on. At one point finally, he asked me what the sound was to which I responded, "What sound?" and at that second a power drill started up followed by Todd's blood curdling "Nooooooooooooooo!!!"
The small talk continued, and he (I'm sorry I keep referring to him as "he", but I've honestly forgotten his name after all these years) started shifting to one side and then the other, trying to look past me into the house. I shifted with him trying to keep my eyes looking straight into his. The noises in the basement continued, with at one point Alec surfacing from the basement, drill in hand, pausing for a moment to look straight at our guest outside with me, then slowly walking into the kitchen at the back of the house. He return shortly with an axe instead of the drill. (where the axe came from, I still don't know.....I didn't even know we had one) and decended into the basement to the sounds of Todd's "No!! No!! Please don't do this!!!"
Soon, our guest blurted out, "Oh! Are you guys making a Haunted House?" seeing as it was mid October, not a bad assumption. "Hauted House? Yes! Sure....that's what we're doing. Why not?" I replied in my best trying to hide the truth voice.
Finally, our guest decided that he should go on. I retrieved Alec and Todd from the basement and we had a good laugh, even with the fact that our Witness turned out to be a coworker of mine, we had a little fun. Eventually, we returned to video gaming, with Alec leaving to make it to class. This is where we all expected the story to end. This is far from where it actually did ebd though, seeing as about a half an hour later, while Todd was playing the game and I was waiting for him to die so that I could take my turn, I spotted a slow moving Police Car on our street.
"There's a cop cruising our street." I said.
"Uh huh." Todd reponded.....more caught up in the game to care.
Soon, I saw two cops walking down the sidewalk together looking up at the addresses of the houses.
"There's cops walking a beat now!"
"Uh huh."
The cops stopped when they read our address and then turned to make thier way to our house.
"There's cops coming to our door!!"
"Fuck!", Todd said....to which I'm sure he had a variety of reasons. We both made a beeline to the front door to meet the cops. By the time that we opened it, they had already started making thier way to the side of the house and were looking into the basement window. Still, at this moment, it didn't really dawn on me why they were here or why they would be trying to look into the basement....that is, until after we greeted them and they followed with, "You boys have a basement here?"
Somehow, Todd and I made an unspoked mental connection that if were it to be put into words would come out to be something like, "TELL THEM NOTHING!!" We invited the cops in, showed them the basement, and denied any knowledge of any events as to the call they explained they received. It became clear that the cops figured out we had messed with some poor Witness, even with our poor lies, and eventually left.
Hell, NOW we had an even better story to tell everyone!! And this is where it really should have ended.....but it didn't.
That night I told the story to several of my friends, who I also worked with at Kinko's. Now, it was not known by many at work that I had already put my notice in and basically didn't work there anymore. So, Julie came up with the idea to spread the rumor around this Witness that I had been arrested for kidnapping and torture, and that's what happened to me. Eventually even going as far as to say that I went to prison, after I moved from Louisville to Iowa and there was no risk of him seeing me out and about. Of course, they never let on that they knew it was he who had made the call to the police, just that someone had called and the police had found someone beaten almost to death in our basement.
Great Fun!!! And this is where it should end, but it doesn't!
I spent a year in Iowa City before moving back to Louisville, and getting hired back to Kinko's shortly there-after. As I walked in on my first day back, there he was! He looked up and saw me, and I've never seen anyone turn so white. He couldn't even talk! He just starred at me in horror. Crissy, told me later that night that she told him that I was out of prison on probation and that Kinko's agreed to hire me back.
He never showed up for his next shift, or any others. He quit without saying a word.
Never, never could we have planned a better or longer lasting prank.
Which is why today I'm content with just telling the Witnesses the "Lord and poo" line.
So, they introduced themselves and started on thier rehearsed speal, all the while looking towards me in hopes that I would invite them in.....which I had no plans to do. After about two or three sentences I finally found it in me to put a stop to it, by telling them both that I was an atheist and didn't care to hear anymore.
"That's a shame." One of them said immediately afterwards, also in a rehearsed fashion. "Can I ask you why that is?" To which I responded, "I just can't put faith in a Lord that gets sexually aroused by it's own poo." after which I closed the door on two slack-jawed, dumbfounded faces. Not the best response I know, but I had been caught off gaurd and all I really wanted was to cut them off in such a way that they wouldn't want to speak to me either. In that regard, I believe myself to have been successful.
But, the whole event has made me reflect on Jehovah Witnesses past, and of one incident in paticular, which I will share with you now:
At one point in college I shared a house with some friends on Rosewood Avenue, right off of Bardstown Road, which means nothing to you non Louisville folk. In any case, one morning Alec, Todd and myself were together in the front room playing Nintendo's Double Dragons, when I spotted a van moving slowly down our street. I pointed this out to my roommates, and we walked out on the front porch to see what the deal was. The van eventually came to a stop at the end of the street, and well dressed yougn men started filing out. Jehovah Witnesses!! Immediately we came up with a plan! Alec and Todd were to hide in the basement and act out a horrific torture session for our soon to be guest. I was elected to answer the door due to my ability to keep a straight face and think fast on my feet. We patiently awaited our victim....who, as it turned out, was a guy I worked with during my shifts at Kinko's. "Fuck", I thought, for a variety of reasons....the main being that this plan was never going to work due to the fact that I somewhat knew this guy. My roommates, on the other hand, had no way of knowing any of this, given thier vantage point in the basement, and promtly began with thier act upon hearing the doorbell. I have to say, I didn't expect them to be so loud! Alec and Todd both were banging things and Todd was screaming for both mercy and help. The volume was such that I could hear nothing else until I made the quick decision to step out onto the porch and close the door behind me.
Well, it was still on, I decided. So I did my best to act distracted and suspicious. He tried to make small talk with me, much like we did together at work. I tried to be short in my answers...every now and again looking back into the house through the glass door. I have to tell you this....the timing couldn't have been more spot on. At one point finally, he asked me what the sound was to which I responded, "What sound?" and at that second a power drill started up followed by Todd's blood curdling "Nooooooooooooooo!!!"
The small talk continued, and he (I'm sorry I keep referring to him as "he", but I've honestly forgotten his name after all these years) started shifting to one side and then the other, trying to look past me into the house. I shifted with him trying to keep my eyes looking straight into his. The noises in the basement continued, with at one point Alec surfacing from the basement, drill in hand, pausing for a moment to look straight at our guest outside with me, then slowly walking into the kitchen at the back of the house. He return shortly with an axe instead of the drill. (where the axe came from, I still don't know.....I didn't even know we had one) and decended into the basement to the sounds of Todd's "No!! No!! Please don't do this!!!"
Soon, our guest blurted out, "Oh! Are you guys making a Haunted House?" seeing as it was mid October, not a bad assumption. "Hauted House? Yes! Sure....that's what we're doing. Why not?" I replied in my best trying to hide the truth voice.
Finally, our guest decided that he should go on. I retrieved Alec and Todd from the basement and we had a good laugh, even with the fact that our Witness turned out to be a coworker of mine, we had a little fun. Eventually, we returned to video gaming, with Alec leaving to make it to class. This is where we all expected the story to end. This is far from where it actually did ebd though, seeing as about a half an hour later, while Todd was playing the game and I was waiting for him to die so that I could take my turn, I spotted a slow moving Police Car on our street.
"There's a cop cruising our street." I said.
"Uh huh." Todd reponded.....more caught up in the game to care.
Soon, I saw two cops walking down the sidewalk together looking up at the addresses of the houses.
"There's cops walking a beat now!"
"Uh huh."
The cops stopped when they read our address and then turned to make thier way to our house.
"There's cops coming to our door!!"
"Fuck!", Todd said....to which I'm sure he had a variety of reasons. We both made a beeline to the front door to meet the cops. By the time that we opened it, they had already started making thier way to the side of the house and were looking into the basement window. Still, at this moment, it didn't really dawn on me why they were here or why they would be trying to look into the basement....that is, until after we greeted them and they followed with, "You boys have a basement here?"
Somehow, Todd and I made an unspoked mental connection that if were it to be put into words would come out to be something like, "TELL THEM NOTHING!!" We invited the cops in, showed them the basement, and denied any knowledge of any events as to the call they explained they received. It became clear that the cops figured out we had messed with some poor Witness, even with our poor lies, and eventually left.
Hell, NOW we had an even better story to tell everyone!! And this is where it really should have ended.....but it didn't.
That night I told the story to several of my friends, who I also worked with at Kinko's. Now, it was not known by many at work that I had already put my notice in and basically didn't work there anymore. So, Julie came up with the idea to spread the rumor around this Witness that I had been arrested for kidnapping and torture, and that's what happened to me. Eventually even going as far as to say that I went to prison, after I moved from Louisville to Iowa and there was no risk of him seeing me out and about. Of course, they never let on that they knew it was he who had made the call to the police, just that someone had called and the police had found someone beaten almost to death in our basement.
Great Fun!!! And this is where it should end, but it doesn't!
I spent a year in Iowa City before moving back to Louisville, and getting hired back to Kinko's shortly there-after. As I walked in on my first day back, there he was! He looked up and saw me, and I've never seen anyone turn so white. He couldn't even talk! He just starred at me in horror. Crissy, told me later that night that she told him that I was out of prison on probation and that Kinko's agreed to hire me back.
He never showed up for his next shift, or any others. He quit without saying a word.
Never, never could we have planned a better or longer lasting prank.
Which is why today I'm content with just telling the Witnesses the "Lord and poo" line.
Lockers Frozen for about Six Weeks......
The following is an actual conversation between two men I overheard while changing in the locker room of my gym:
Older man: Hey Joe! Haven't seen you for a while.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Where you been hiding?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: You get down to Florida yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Hear it's been nice there lately, but there's going to be some strong storms.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: How's Carol?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: She start back at the school yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Shame about what happened, but you both have the Lord looking after you.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Similar thing happened to a cousin of mine when he was about, oh I don't know, maybe in his twenties, and he didn't wear socks for near two years....or was he my nephew?
(Holy Shit! I swear I am NOT making that up!! He actually said that!! At this point I was sitting on the bench tieing my shoes and I had to bend down so that my face was almost touching them because I started laughing)
Younger man: About six weeks.
(The conversation paused here while the older gentleman seemed to have a strange wrestling match with his towel, that had somehow gotten extremely twisted, muttering things under his breath while doing so.......I was dressed at this point and put my ear buds in and exited to go work out)
Seriously, this really took place! I have no clue wether the Younger man was messing with the Older man by just answering "About Six Weeks" to everything, or if he had suffered some sort of mental stroke leaving that phrase as the only thing he could say. I don't know why the Older man never seemed to even take notice to that. And for the life of me, I can't even begin to figure out what sort of disaster would cause someone to miss work or school (depending on wether this woman was a student or school employee) as well as possibly lead to the hatred or fear of wearing socks for any length of time!! Now, I get accussed of living in my own skewed version of reality from time to time, so when reality takes it upon itself to do the skewing for me, I get unbelieveably happy! I've had a shit eating grin on my face ever since this incident, and it was even enough to counter the other conversation I was listening to before, where a man stated that Climate Change (ie: Global Warming) was definitely a myth for the reasons that Fox News said as much as well as there being snow on the ground........yeah, I so wanted to remind him that the fact that the Earth orbits the sun was a myth, until it wasn't. It just wouldn't have been as effective to say that while giggling.
Older man: Hey Joe! Haven't seen you for a while.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Where you been hiding?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: You get down to Florida yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Hear it's been nice there lately, but there's going to be some strong storms.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: How's Carol?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: She start back at the school yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Shame about what happened, but you both have the Lord looking after you.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Similar thing happened to a cousin of mine when he was about, oh I don't know, maybe in his twenties, and he didn't wear socks for near two years....or was he my nephew?
(Holy Shit! I swear I am NOT making that up!! He actually said that!! At this point I was sitting on the bench tieing my shoes and I had to bend down so that my face was almost touching them because I started laughing)
Younger man: About six weeks.
(The conversation paused here while the older gentleman seemed to have a strange wrestling match with his towel, that had somehow gotten extremely twisted, muttering things under his breath while doing so.......I was dressed at this point and put my ear buds in and exited to go work out)
Seriously, this really took place! I have no clue wether the Younger man was messing with the Older man by just answering "About Six Weeks" to everything, or if he had suffered some sort of mental stroke leaving that phrase as the only thing he could say. I don't know why the Older man never seemed to even take notice to that. And for the life of me, I can't even begin to figure out what sort of disaster would cause someone to miss work or school (depending on wether this woman was a student or school employee) as well as possibly lead to the hatred or fear of wearing socks for any length of time!! Now, I get accussed of living in my own skewed version of reality from time to time, so when reality takes it upon itself to do the skewing for me, I get unbelieveably happy! I've had a shit eating grin on my face ever since this incident, and it was even enough to counter the other conversation I was listening to before, where a man stated that Climate Change (ie: Global Warming) was definitely a myth for the reasons that Fox News said as much as well as there being snow on the ground........yeah, I so wanted to remind him that the fact that the Earth orbits the sun was a myth, until it wasn't. It just wouldn't have been as effective to say that while giggling.
Scientists would have You Believe We Is Descendants of Monkies...
....I'm having a hard time with this, for some reason.......
Empty Baby Graves and Looted Archery Stores A'Plenty...
It is upon us again people, the day where hell opens the flood gates and let's loose it's army of undead babies for target practice.....or as hallmark would like you to call it, Valentine's Day.
I have written of this day before.....Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine.....and I still stick by that blog, regardless of the fact that I lost friends from it.....Hell, my number of friends always seems to drop a few numbers with every blog I post.
I can't believe it's already been a year since then....a full year without romantic, sticky involvements....minus one, that I've been trying to wash away with beer and peroxide ever since.
In any case, may this day find you all well and full of store-bought chocolates. May you all survive the poison arrows of the undead as well as may the taste of envelope licking leave your mouths.
I leave you all with this, from my book Tales from a Broken String......
the Lonliness of an Empty Crawlspace...
Continuing the spirit of yesterday's blog, I thought that I'd take this opportunity to expand a bit on the whole idea of random facts, but this time by giving you five random and wholey made up facts about each of the five persons that I tagged. I do understand that this will more than likely lead to myself being subjected to attempts in pain and sufferring, both in the comments to follow as well as in the blogs of my intended subjects.....but seeing as I lack the basic human emotions of embarrassment as well as sapience, I don't really care. Thusly, without further adieu.......
Clint Allen
#1- Clint Allen was actually born with four arms....that is, he has arms in place of his legs, which makes him look funny while running, but makes him a dangerous competitor during a game of dodge-ball.
#2- He was once engaged to a bar of soap, until we (his friends) held the now infamous Intervention....it's the last fucking time we will ever use a game of dodge-ball as an Intervention vehicle!
#3- Clint started the whole "abolish the N word" fiasco as a means to piggy-back his desire to re-instate the word "thusly", which was declared unclean by the Pope in 1947.
#4- Clint is actually living backwards, having been born a grown man and getting younger every year....much like Merlin, but without the cool magic tricks.
#5- Clint has actually killed fourteen people with his mind now, once for everytime he was served iced-tea that tasted like dishwater.
Mungmopper
#1- Born Christopher Gabriel Williams, he prefers to be called Gabe due to his affinity with the show Welcome Back Cotter.
#2- Mungmopper started his own religion as a small child called Chacky (sha-kee) that today still boasts only one member....himself.
#3- He and I share the same mother, only not by blood, just proximity.
#4- Mungmopper's popular home-brewed beer is actually made by the blood of lambs and his own fermented urine.
#5- Mungmopper will actually murder me four years from now, as the Soothsayer has foreseen, and then end his own life by accidentally jumping through the nearest window, which is his custom, 13 floors above the street.
Bloomin'
#1- Bloomin' is known as "the Greek Paris Hilton"......that's hot!
#2- He was one of the original cast members of the classic Jason and the Argonauts, but was fired after getting his ass kicked by Ray Harryhausen in a drunken argument.
#3- He is the inventor of Nater, a new form of water that fails to get anything wet....which failed when introduced to the market in 1988.
#4- Bloomin' has an impressive collection of apples that are deformed in such a way that they all resemble Mickey Rourke.
#5- Bloomin' actually only consists of 4 facts, as long as you discount this one.
Lizzay
#1- Elizabeth can eat 51 eggs in and hour......fuck you Cool Hand Luke!!
#2- She has the ability to fly, but chooses not to ever since the doctors said it was really called falling, and responsible for all her multiple fractures.
#3- Elizabeth has a huge collection of Rock T-Shirts, which actually outnumbers the ammount of bands that have shirts available.
#4- She gave up her carreer as an assassin after receiving a contract to kill Clint Allen.....and I'm still waiting for my money back!
#5- Elizabeth has the ability to completely mask her Long Island accent, until she has had too much to drink, whereas she starts to speak with a Scottish accent.
Rachael
#1- Rachael's name is actually pronounced, Ra-chi-el, much like Raphael, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist.
#2- The photos in her profile are not stretched in Photoshop, she actually lives in an elongated plain.
#3- Rachael was one of the original dancers in the Riverdance ensemble, until they left without her after a performance in Bunslip, New Jersey.
#4- It is a scientific fact that she will suffer from a misspelling before the day is through.
#5- It is not true that there exists an underground tape of Rachael involving pancakes and Clint Allen's mustard....I'm holding out for more money.
....and there we have it folks. Twenty-five more facts to float around your brains, slowly devouring more uselful information that you had previously stored.
Clint Allen
#1- Clint Allen was actually born with four arms....that is, he has arms in place of his legs, which makes him look funny while running, but makes him a dangerous competitor during a game of dodge-ball.
#2- He was once engaged to a bar of soap, until we (his friends) held the now infamous Intervention....it's the last fucking time we will ever use a game of dodge-ball as an Intervention vehicle!
#3- Clint started the whole "abolish the N word" fiasco as a means to piggy-back his desire to re-instate the word "thusly", which was declared unclean by the Pope in 1947.
#4- Clint is actually living backwards, having been born a grown man and getting younger every year....much like Merlin, but without the cool magic tricks.
#5- Clint has actually killed fourteen people with his mind now, once for everytime he was served iced-tea that tasted like dishwater.
Mungmopper
#1- Born Christopher Gabriel Williams, he prefers to be called Gabe due to his affinity with the show Welcome Back Cotter.
#2- Mungmopper started his own religion as a small child called Chacky (sha-kee) that today still boasts only one member....himself.
#3- He and I share the same mother, only not by blood, just proximity.
#4- Mungmopper's popular home-brewed beer is actually made by the blood of lambs and his own fermented urine.
#5- Mungmopper will actually murder me four years from now, as the Soothsayer has foreseen, and then end his own life by accidentally jumping through the nearest window, which is his custom, 13 floors above the street.
Bloomin'
#1- Bloomin' is known as "the Greek Paris Hilton"......that's hot!
#2- He was one of the original cast members of the classic Jason and the Argonauts, but was fired after getting his ass kicked by Ray Harryhausen in a drunken argument.
#3- He is the inventor of Nater, a new form of water that fails to get anything wet....which failed when introduced to the market in 1988.
#4- Bloomin' has an impressive collection of apples that are deformed in such a way that they all resemble Mickey Rourke.
#5- Bloomin' actually only consists of 4 facts, as long as you discount this one.
Lizzay
#1- Elizabeth can eat 51 eggs in and hour......fuck you Cool Hand Luke!!
#2- She has the ability to fly, but chooses not to ever since the doctors said it was really called falling, and responsible for all her multiple fractures.
#3- Elizabeth has a huge collection of Rock T-Shirts, which actually outnumbers the ammount of bands that have shirts available.
#4- She gave up her carreer as an assassin after receiving a contract to kill Clint Allen.....and I'm still waiting for my money back!
#5- Elizabeth has the ability to completely mask her Long Island accent, until she has had too much to drink, whereas she starts to speak with a Scottish accent.
Rachael
#1- Rachael's name is actually pronounced, Ra-chi-el, much like Raphael, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist.
#2- The photos in her profile are not stretched in Photoshop, she actually lives in an elongated plain.
#3- Rachael was one of the original dancers in the Riverdance ensemble, until they left without her after a performance in Bunslip, New Jersey.
#4- It is a scientific fact that she will suffer from a misspelling before the day is through.
#5- It is not true that there exists an underground tape of Rachael involving pancakes and Clint Allen's mustard....I'm holding out for more money.
....and there we have it folks. Twenty-five more facts to float around your brains, slowly devouring more uselful information that you had previously stored.
An Insignificant History attracting Flies in the Sun
Yep, it's officially my birthday. Thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy one for the past few days, and a curse on those who haven't!! (don't worry too much, as stated in the previous Blog, the best I can do with curses is to make you fart in public)
And, in answering those who have asked what the hell Fish Day is: it's a fucking holiday!! So don't go to work. Let me explain....the first official Fish Day was in 1998, when I was living with my brother in State College Pennsylvania. I had only been there for a few months and didn't know too many people and definitely hadn't made any plans to do anything when my birthday rolled around. Second, I am sick to death of the birthday cliche' of birthdays being terrible and their subjects moping around as if they were just told that they had colon cancer. I refused to give into either.
So, the night before I created three Fish Day cards and had a few hundred of them reproduced at Kinkos, which is the place that I worked at the time.....which is a lot more like having colon cancer. I spent my birthday then, out in town handing cards to everyone I crossed paths with.
Yell at the Birds to Get Out of the Sky.
Staple Raw Bacon to Yourself.
Try to Hug a Complete Stranger
For Thirty Minutes.
Tell Someone that your Fingers Hate Them,
Except for One, and then Show Them that Finger.
By the end of the day, in a town that I had previously known almost no one, I now knew (or at least was known by) a few hundred. Plus, I had been bought so much birthday coffee that I nearly shit myself as well as those around me.
I continued this tradition (of handing out the cards, not of nearly shitting myself and others....that tradition falls on Presidents Day) for the next few years. I have kind of slacked off the past couple of years. I would have tried to revive it this time, except for the fact that I'm currently in central Pennsylvania....and I really don't want to know the people here, let alone not wanting them to know me.
So, Happy Fish Day to you all!! May the Great Insect Overlord show you mercy and all of that.....oh, and since you asked, here is my super happy fun time wishlist again, for those of you who wish to celebrate this fine day by buying me a present:
Excerpt from the Book, "Rachael Asks..." in bookstores never
Dere zombiespoon,
I am curently wurking on a book of answerz to randumly asked kwestions and photographs of childrens dolls in sexual poses. I wood appreciate it if you could anser the following questions 4 me!
Rachael
1. What Curse Do You Use The Most?
- Unfortunately, I'm still only a level 2 curser....so the most I can make the unsuspecting do is fart real loud in public...unless I roll a +5, and then they shit themselves!
2. Do You Own An Ipod?
-Yes....but I also just got a new iHate from Clint for my birthday!
30Gigs of storage for my hate!
3. What Person On Your Top 8 Do You Talk To The Most?
-I don't talk to anyone in my Deadpool.....it's against the rules.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
-Pacific........why are you looking at me like that?
5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
-I don't even like to step in love!! I wish people would clean up after themselves!
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
-I wear winter clothes. I find that going out wearing nothing but flip flops is both dangerous for one's health, and illegal!
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
-I would rather take the picture I'm in....especially if the person who had the picture is someone that I don't know, and has no business having a picture of me in their possession!
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
-Wait....why is it the Last movie?! Do you know something that I don't?!!
9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
-Yes....and some of those children are even their own!
10. Has Any0ne Ever Called You Lazy?
-What's an 'Any0ne'? Seriously....what with the weird capitalization theme in this questionnaire?
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
-Yes, but I'm much more fond of the medication that keeps me awake.....
12. What Cd Is Currently In Your Cd Player?
-I no longer own and Cd's or Cd Players......so, no.
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
-Regular what? I can't answer this until I know what's competing with my Chocolate Milk.....and what is the situation? Is someone's life at stake? Is this for money? There's just too many unanswered questions here!!! I can't deal with this right now!!!
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
-Like on those commercials? Where two woman tell each other a completely made up secret and then giggle like idiots and then I'm supposed to want girly deodorant?
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbuck?
-I've never had the chance....but I would be with Starbuck in a second if I had the chance!!!
Wait....we are talking about the new Battlestar Galactica, right? Because if we're talking about the one from the seventies, then this question both means something completely different and sickens me!
16. Can You Whistle?
-I choose not to......
17. What Is The First Thing You Notice About The Opposite Sex?
-Depends.....if they are on fire, that tends to be the first thing....the tits come after the fire.
18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
-Is there any other way to talk about me? Seriously, if they are talking in front of me it's talked "talking to me", which is something completely different.
19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
-Hell, I watch cartoons now.
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
-Time Bandits....and all silent films, just by definition.
21.Have You Ever Done The Dirty In A Field?
-Who the hell has the nickname "the Dirty", and why would anyone want to do her or him after such a nickname is achieved?!!
22.What's your favorite flower?
-There are more varieties of flour? I tend to just like the cakes they help make.....
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
-I've never injured my torso bad enough to need a Band T-Shirt...I suspect that if I did, I'd rather just be taken to a hospital.
(Think about it.....it'll make sense eventually)
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
-I don't own any films of Salads getting dressed. This is the weirdest fetish I've heard of so far!
where is 25?
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
-Ah....the famous "DYDYOD" question.....I'm not falling for this one so easily!
27. Ever Cry In Public?
-Every chance I get!
28. Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Lap Top?
-I'm on a chair...In Front of my laptop.
29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoos?
-No, I'm currently wanting some more coffee and Starbuck....the female Starbuck.
30. Whats The Weather Like?
-Like an orange, with a really thick rind and too many seeds.....stupid weather orange!
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
-Depends on the tattoos in question....a woman with her body covered with tattoos of penises getting bitten, probably not.
32. What Did You Do Before This?
-Answered a question about dating someone with bitten penis tattoos....where were you?
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
-Last night.....I couldn't get my bed to stay on the wall....and the ceiling is out of the question!
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
-A third of my life, apparently.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
-Does it matter? Seriously....ask yourself that.
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
-Full of what?! I need more details here!! Full of glue? No. And I doubt they'd be fast-paced that way.......
37. Do You Pay Attention To The Calories In The Package/Box?
-They package calories now? Why would I need to pay attention to that?
38. Do You Use Sarcasm?
-You tell me.....
39. How Old Will Y0u Be Turning On Your Next Birthday?
-Funny you should ask.....wait, no....it wasn't that funny.
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
-ask Rachael.
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
-Have you ever seen a grown man cry and shit himself? I'm just asking....it has nothing to do with Six Flags.....
42. What irritates you most?
-Poison Ivy.
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
-You mean like a hermaphrodite? I suppose I do as well as everyone else.....
44. Do You Like Mustard?
-What's that got to do with my social relationships with hermaphrodites?
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back?
-I tend to stay together even when asleep......
46. Do You Watch The News?
-Not if I've been unlucky enough to fall apart while sleeping....but I'll most likely be on the news when that happens....
47. How did you get some of your scars?
-By accidents.
49. Do You Like Anybody?
-Sure I like people! What are you trying to say?!
50.What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
-Gasoline.......for my car.....not for what you'll hear on the news!
One man's Waste is another Man's Soap
Once again we find ourselves entering the month of purification, which, incidentally, is also the shortest month of the year. Yes, I speak of our favorite lunation, February. Not only the last month added to the calendar by the winter hating Romans, but also the time of the year that the Anglo-Saxons named after cabbage (no, I didn't make that up!).
But despite the harsh treatments by Romans, Saxons and the month of January (which forced it's round "u" vowel on February, forcing everyone to mispronounce it by eclipsing the first 'r'), February is a month just stocked with some of the year's most exciting happenings: Groundhog's Day, where we celebrate Bill Murray's eternal loop in time and space; Ash Wednesday, where the religious prove to the naysayers that they do occasionally wash their faces; Presidents Day, where all Americans should reflect on how much better we had it under Nixon; Valentines Day, a day that forces the lonely to cry in their showers; Mardi Gras, where breasts are released from their bondages by alcohol and plastic beads.
February is also American Heart Month....where American Hearts are celebrated all over the world; National Hot Breakfast Month, where the consumers and sympathizers of cold breakfasts go hungry or are locked away; Library Lovers Month, for those who have been forced to keep their strange desires a secret all year; National Condom Month, basically just to help keep those poor libraries safe from STDs and pregnancy.
But more than that, February is also the host of my favorite holiday, Fish Day!
Now, I know what most of you are thinking...."I wonder if a grown person can actually be suspended on a wall with a fair amount of peanut butter, and how much peanut butter would that take?!"....while what you should be thinking is, "What can I possibly get a person that I either hardly know, haven't met or completely dislike on this special of all days?"
It's a terrible dilemma, I know. It's sure to stain, and the cleanup of all that peanut butter would be a nightmare! But back to your second, and far more important, thought. For those of you who are struggling with the gift buying quandary, or are drunk enough while reading this to feel the need to buy a gift, I have created a short list to help you along.
Some items that were not available on that list I'll include here: JOB!!!
I hope that this month finds you all well and not on fire. But now I must leave in order to cry in the shower, and hopefully wash off the rest of this peanut butter.
But despite the harsh treatments by Romans, Saxons and the month of January (which forced it's round "u" vowel on February, forcing everyone to mispronounce it by eclipsing the first 'r'), February is a month just stocked with some of the year's most exciting happenings: Groundhog's Day, where we celebrate Bill Murray's eternal loop in time and space; Ash Wednesday, where the religious prove to the naysayers that they do occasionally wash their faces; Presidents Day, where all Americans should reflect on how much better we had it under Nixon; Valentines Day, a day that forces the lonely to cry in their showers; Mardi Gras, where breasts are released from their bondages by alcohol and plastic beads.
February is also American Heart Month....where American Hearts are celebrated all over the world; National Hot Breakfast Month, where the consumers and sympathizers of cold breakfasts go hungry or are locked away; Library Lovers Month, for those who have been forced to keep their strange desires a secret all year; National Condom Month, basically just to help keep those poor libraries safe from STDs and pregnancy.
But more than that, February is also the host of my favorite holiday, Fish Day!
Now, I know what most of you are thinking...."I wonder if a grown person can actually be suspended on a wall with a fair amount of peanut butter, and how much peanut butter would that take?!"....while what you should be thinking is, "What can I possibly get a person that I either hardly know, haven't met or completely dislike on this special of all days?"
It's a terrible dilemma, I know. It's sure to stain, and the cleanup of all that peanut butter would be a nightmare! But back to your second, and far more important, thought. For those of you who are struggling with the gift buying quandary, or are drunk enough while reading this to feel the need to buy a gift, I have created a short list to help you along.
Some items that were not available on that list I'll include here: JOB!!!
I hope that this month finds you all well and not on fire. But now I must leave in order to cry in the shower, and hopefully wash off the rest of this peanut butter.
Boiling Leeches for Fun and Profit....
It came to my attention today, that I have a better laptop than I originally thought. I have recently been toying with the idea of getting rid of my desktop eventually and replacing it with a laptop. All part of my "down-sizing" stage that I've been in due to the ammount of moving I've put myself into. The only problem I've had with my current laptop, the reason I would wait before selling my desktop system, is that it didn't have a dvd burner....or so I thought. While checking my laptop today about the ability to replace the drive I discovered that it IS a dvd burner....not only that, but it's got the ability to dual layer burn!! I've had this laptop for over a year now, and I had no idea! The only thing I can think of that would be more pitiful than that would be a married couple pretending that they are the man and woman in those annoying ESurance animated commercials.
But none of that has anything to do with this post....so forget I said any of it!
No, this is about the other realization that I had today....that is, that I have no idea where I plan to go next. This is a first for me, so I'm at a loss. And for this reason, I am now accepting city/state/country applications from all of you. Let me know why I should consider moving to your neck of the woods....or why I shouldn't....and I'll take all of what you tell me into consideration for a time, before I forget it and then make my own desision on a whim (like I do everything).
Some requirements: area must have muffins and good coffee to be purchased.....actually, those are the only requirements.....No! And employment opportunities! Muffins, Coffee and Jobs.....and single women. Muffins, Coffee, Jobs and Single Women.......and Wine. Damnit! Ok...Muffins, Coffee, Jobs, Single Women and Wine..........and Free Cable......and maybe large Natural Deposites of Soup.
Ok.....it's clear that I need more coffee....and who wants to buy a good desktop computer?
But none of that has anything to do with this post....so forget I said any of it!
No, this is about the other realization that I had today....that is, that I have no idea where I plan to go next. This is a first for me, so I'm at a loss. And for this reason, I am now accepting city/state/country applications from all of you. Let me know why I should consider moving to your neck of the woods....or why I shouldn't....and I'll take all of what you tell me into consideration for a time, before I forget it and then make my own desision on a whim (like I do everything).
Some requirements: area must have muffins and good coffee to be purchased.....actually, those are the only requirements.....No! And employment opportunities! Muffins, Coffee and Jobs.....and single women. Muffins, Coffee, Jobs and Single Women.......and Wine. Damnit! Ok...Muffins, Coffee, Jobs, Single Women and Wine..........and Free Cable......and maybe large Natural Deposites of Soup.
Ok.....it's clear that I need more coffee....and who wants to buy a good desktop computer?
Curse of the Fours..or "Why is there blood on my underwear?"
This was originally a post made in the bulletin section....and I share it with you here:
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Kinko's Graveyard Manager
2. a variety of Art Supply Stores
3. Graphic Design, freelance and different companies
4. Not a gravedigger....though believe me, I Have tried....which led to a series of arrests....I'm not proud of that
B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Time Bandits....best movie ever, even though it's not.....fuck you!
2. Uh...wait a minute.....if I'm to watch a movie over and over, how am I to make it four?
3. Wait!! Am I to have 4 tv's to watch them on simultaneously or do I have to watch them in a theatre? How is this even possible?!
4. Damnit!! I haven't even listed number 2 yet and we're at number 4! I'm totally confused here.....aw FUCK IT!
C) Four places I have lived:
1. Louisville Kentucky
2. Brooklyn New York
3. Naperville Illinois
4. the State of Denial
D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Oh No! No no no!! I'm still pissed about the 4 movies question!!
2. Damnit! Fine!! Carnival, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, almost anything on the History Channel and Battlestar Gallactica.
Suck on that 3 and 4!!
3.
4.
E) Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Hawaii
2. Alaska
3. Jamaica
4. Kansas City, MO.
(one of these things doesn't belong here...one of these thing just isn't the same....)
F) Four websites I visit often:
1. MySpace....but that's obvious, isn't it?
2. Craigslist....unless someone wants to just give me a lot of money for no apparent reason.......anyone?
3. My Gmail....otherwise people start to be all like, "Why didn't you write me back?" and I'm like "I don't even know who you are!" and they're like "I sent you an email with pics of women with cameltoe like weeks ago!" and then I'm all "Look!! I'm trying to answer these questions in this bulletin! Kindly Fuck Off!"
....and then I wonder how they even got in my place to begin with!
4. I've lost my train of thought...let's just pretend that I gave you four here and move on....
G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Muffins!
2. Soups...I like it the soups!
3. Coffee....I have enough of it that it's become a food group for me!
4. Coffee....Look, I told you I have a lot of it.
H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Back in Brooklyn...but this time with a job
2. Back in Louisville...then I'd call myself up in Brooklyn and confuse myself!
3. Back in Brooklyn...but exactly 2 inches behind myself from number one....and when people try to ask me about it I'd answer with, "Leave me alone, I'm talking on the phone with me from Louisville!"
4. Right here....because none of this would be possible if I weren't here to answer this!
I) Four people I think will respond:
1. Hang on, I've got a call coming in.....Oh Crap! It's from me!!
2. I'd say Rachael, but she's who I'm doing this four......so I take that back
3. How can we be on number three? I haven't officially answered number two....Damnit! And I'm calling myself again! Why can't I accept that I'm not here?!
4. Wait! Still stuck on two.....Aw screw this!
*walks away shaking head*
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Kinko's Graveyard Manager
2. a variety of Art Supply Stores
3. Graphic Design, freelance and different companies
4. Not a gravedigger....though believe me, I Have tried....which led to a series of arrests....I'm not proud of that
B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Time Bandits....best movie ever, even though it's not.....fuck you!
2. Uh...wait a minute.....if I'm to watch a movie over and over, how am I to make it four?
3. Wait!! Am I to have 4 tv's to watch them on simultaneously or do I have to watch them in a theatre? How is this even possible?!
4. Damnit!! I haven't even listed number 2 yet and we're at number 4! I'm totally confused here.....aw FUCK IT!
C) Four places I have lived:
1. Louisville Kentucky
2. Brooklyn New York
3. Naperville Illinois
4. the State of Denial
D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Oh No! No no no!! I'm still pissed about the 4 movies question!!
2. Damnit! Fine!! Carnival, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, almost anything on the History Channel and Battlestar Gallactica.
Suck on that 3 and 4!!
3.
4.
E) Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Hawaii
2. Alaska
3. Jamaica
4. Kansas City, MO.
(one of these things doesn't belong here...one of these thing just isn't the same....)
F) Four websites I visit often:
1. MySpace....but that's obvious, isn't it?
2. Craigslist....unless someone wants to just give me a lot of money for no apparent reason.......anyone?
3. My Gmail....otherwise people start to be all like, "Why didn't you write me back?" and I'm like "I don't even know who you are!" and they're like "I sent you an email with pics of women with cameltoe like weeks ago!" and then I'm all "Look!! I'm trying to answer these questions in this bulletin! Kindly Fuck Off!"
....and then I wonder how they even got in my place to begin with!
4. I've lost my train of thought...let's just pretend that I gave you four here and move on....
G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Muffins!
2. Soups...I like it the soups!
3. Coffee....I have enough of it that it's become a food group for me!
4. Coffee....Look, I told you I have a lot of it.
H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Back in Brooklyn...but this time with a job
2. Back in Louisville...then I'd call myself up in Brooklyn and confuse myself!
3. Back in Brooklyn...but exactly 2 inches behind myself from number one....and when people try to ask me about it I'd answer with, "Leave me alone, I'm talking on the phone with me from Louisville!"
4. Right here....because none of this would be possible if I weren't here to answer this!
I) Four people I think will respond:
1. Hang on, I've got a call coming in.....Oh Crap! It's from me!!
2. I'd say Rachael, but she's who I'm doing this four......so I take that back
3. How can we be on number three? I haven't officially answered number two....Damnit! And I'm calling myself again! Why can't I accept that I'm not here?!
4. Wait! Still stuck on two.....Aw screw this!
*walks away shaking head*