The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Ten

Part Ten: the Mummified Sex Toy in the Coffee Grounds

Taxidermy has always been a strange and guilty fascination of mine. I have always found myself drawn to those beasts that I've encountered in stores and homes, mesmerized by their perfectly preserved and posed existence. I have even, on many occasions, given serious thought to taking the practice up and learning the art; and while I don't condone or even understand hunting, especially as a 'sport' or more so as using the kill for nothing more than a trophy for bragging rights, I have to admit being in awe and captivated by the said trophies.
The closest I've really ever come to this work or art form is digitally, with Photoshop. For years I've had a love of finding as many usable animal pics as I can and then digitally altering them, usually combining two or more animals together to create something new.

I've called this process my Taxidermy mainly due to the fact that it would be exactly what I'd be doing with real preserved animals, had I ever learned the technique. This is also my favorite practice in Photoshop, which is, combining images together and trying to make it appear seamless and plausible. I use it almost daily for a variety of reasons, not just for my Taxidermy projects: I've done it for my recent book cover designs like the cover of Tonic (the winged bottle) in my last post; I've used it professionally in some of the commercial work that I've done in the past; and it's even the technique behind my online avatar.

This has been a post that I have been intending to do for a long time. Actually, this is a post that I should have done a while back, that is, the story behind my thumbnail picture. I can't even count the number of times I've been asked what it is, if it's real and why it got the name 'zombiespoon'. I have seriously lost track. Will this post stop the influx of those queries? No, probably not at all. But, after posting this I'll add the link to my collection of quick-links in order to quickly point the askers here, seeing as my responses to the questions have gone from detailed answers in the beginning to one word responses as of late.

First there is the name 'zombiespoon'. Basically, this came from a day of frustration, many years ago, when trying to come up with an online moniker that hadn't already been chosen by a few hundred, if not few thousand, people before. I'm sure most of you remember originally typing in your name somewhere online only to have it returned to you followed by a large number indicating how many of you already exist out there. It's a frustrating process.
So, rather than settle with being the 389^th of anything, I started plugging in whatever different ideas came to mind. This took more time than I could have possibly expected (are you aware that at that time there were already over a hundred "eggfuckers" out there?). Finally after much frustration, I typed in zombiespoon....and it came back clean.
Exciting so far, isn't it? Just wait, it only gets better.....well, no....actually it doesn't.

Next, the doll.
The doll itself is real, and was a gift to me by a friend. I have a great fondness for strange, old and weathered dolls and collect them.

As you can see, the actual doll is completely faceless. This picture is a still from a short movie I did when testing out my new webcam.
I had been using the name zombiespoon for a good while before the thumbnail that you see today was ever actually conceived. Mostly on another social networking website known as LouisvilleMojo, which was much like myspace, only for people residing in Louisville, and where the lonely, large and socially inept could meet online and anonymously hate on one another. Great fun!
I changed my thumbnail picture regularly, until the day I was goofing off and quickly added a cat's mouth to that still.

Almost at once, the people that I conversed with, or made fun of, started referring to the doll image itself as zombiespoon. The image and the name became one on their own, which was fine to me.
That image remained unchanged until around the time that I discovered myspace. I just felt that the zombiespoon doll needed a bit of refining, an upgrade. The zombiespoon that you see today is the combination of the same doll pic merged with the distorted mouth of a piranha that I found online.

From here, I went a little insane. Starting slowly, by making holiday versions of the zombiespoon to post on their respectful days, to a period of mass creation of different zombiespoon personas....most of which haven't even been showed until now:

One would think that with this group I might have finally gotten it all out of my system, but no. I'm still looking for any excuse to alter the image into something else.....any suggestions for which will be appreciated and considered, altering this little guy has become one of my new favorite things to do....alongside drinking coffee and talking to inanimate objects.

Coming back to the art of taxidermy (true taxidermy, not my digital version of it), I have wanted to add the toothy mouth to the real doll for some time. I feel fairly confident in the fact that I could most likely sculpt one myself, using polymer clays and enamels with air brushes, but I have no idea what the best way to attach it to the doll would be, which is why I've been so hesitant. The last thing I'd want to do is to destroy the little guy (this is, of course, assuming that the doll survived the storage disaster....I'm still waiting to see and keeping my fingers crossed).
Several months ago I watched a program about the history and art of taxidermy. The show followed the timeline from the early techniques of the practice to the styles and skills of today. The part that intrigued me the most was near the end of the program, when they covered one of the newest techniques. There are taxidermists now out there that can create animals for you from a photograph, or even just from description. Using any of their hundreds of models and sheer artistry they can create almost any animal in any wanted pose using no part of a real critter. I watched in awe as one of these artists finished the detail work on the mouth of a carnivore in mid growl....no teeth, no bone....just pure sculpture.
Of course I thought of my zombiespoon guy.
At the time I was still in Pennsylvania, which seems like it would be a prime area for taxidermists, seeing as deer season seems to be a weekly occurrence and hunters will actually walk, armed, through neighborhoods and take down game in full view of nearby swing sets. But this was right before leaving to come to Denver, so I never got the opportunity to search.
I still plan to at least follow up on this idea, once I get settled here. I actually look forward to explaining what I want done to the unsuspecting taxidermist and studying his expression....and if he says no, I plan to follow up with asking him if he would instead be willing to create a monkey reading a Bible while a family of snakes escape from it's butt. Hell, this could be a new past time, asking taxidermists to create the most ridiculous of items.
"I was writing to inquire whether it would be possible for your company to recreate a three headed mouse fucking a door knob. Time is critical as this is to be an anniversary gift to my wife."


Finally, this was the last of my ten part directionless series, which was supposed to land on my 100^th MySpace blog post (LiveJournal readers....I have NO idea what post we're at), and it would have too, had I not witness the motorcycle accident that just recently stopped haunting me while I slept. So now, please join me in celebrating my 101^st post!
(blows into a party horn and throws dry ramen noodles in the air, not having confetti)

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Nine

Part Nine: Curious Sounds from the Box

I have recently been thinking a lot about the different voices I have when writing. I imagine that this will be understandable to you other writers out there (in which I mean both professional as well as those who enjoy just to write a lot), I have been thinking about the different styles I write in, or voices, depending on what it is that I'm writing at the time. For example, this post right now. This is about as close to my regular voice (if we were to be speaking to one another) as I believe that I get in written form. Clint might argue against this, due to the fact that I'm apt to spontaneously make up voices or characters on a whim when speaking, most of which are lost when later trying to recall them, but Clint likes Bleach....which has nothing to do with what I'm writing about now.....so let's move on.
There is my "professional" writing voice, which is what I use when writing to figures of authority. Such as: "I don't believe this restraining order is just" letters, or when writing cover letters for my resume.
There is the voice in which I write my stories in, that is, the books that I'm working on or if only for the captions used under my drawings.
And there is my "street lunatic" voice....also known as Asher Willis Fim...my pseudonym I use when writing complaint letters to companies for no particular reason what so ever....or lately, for writing letters to the "Ask a Mexican" column that I find so entertaining in Denver's Westword weekly alt paper (none of which have been answered yet).

For those of you who are unaware, I currently have two blogs....that is, I post blogs from my MySpace profile as well as to my LiveJournal account. Originally, I had intended for the two to be separate from one another. My MySpace Blog was to be my regular voice of ramblings, thoughts and complaints....while my LiveJournal posts were to be more of the "works in progress" variety, somewhere between my regular voice and professional voice, and linked to my website (which, yes, is as of yet still unfinished goddamnit!). But the two have basically become one for the past year or so, due to the fact that my pursued profession (writing and illustrating) had basically been put on hold due to moving and the general feeling of being "ungrounded". So, instead of just leaving LiveJournal idle all of this time, I started just posting the same material in both. If you are reading this right now in LiveJournal, you can be sure that the same exact words are also lying in wait over in my MySpace Blog, and vice a versa.

That being said, I think it's due time to write an update on the work I've been doing, considering the fact that lately I've finally been doing a lot of writing and illustrating, feeling more grounded....or at least that I'm slowly finally landing on my feet. Granted, I'm landing on my feet now after stepping off of a twenty plus story building near two years ago, but landing on the feet nonetheless. I will refrain from writing this works in progress update in my newly acquired "landing" voice which would sound like:

"DEAR GOD THE PAIN!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF RELIGIOUS THINGS AND WHATNOT!!! I THINK MY FEMUR IS PROTRUDING FROM MY SKULL!!!!"

...because I doubt it would make for a good voice for such....that, and I plan to use it instead as my new "professional" voice from now on:

"OH DEAR SIRS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE....OR TO WHOM IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD IT MIGHT CONCERN, I REGRET TO INFORM YOU AAAAAAAAA THAT I WILL NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE PAIN BE ABLE TO ATTEND THE FUNCTION BECAUSE I'M LEAKING TOO MANY VITAL FLUIDS!!!!!"

Like I said, I have been working again now that the inspiration has returned, which, albeit, is kind of strange to me seeing as my regular mode seems to be to work during the Fall and Winter months and to become lethargic in the Spring and Summer. But whatever....use the Muse when she arrives. I recently decided to put aside the two novels that I've been working on for the past two years, the Sinking Stones as well as Angel Soup, due to the fact that they have become much more involved than I originally anticipated as well as the fact that after working sporadically on them during this transient period, my thoughts regarding them have become muddled and disjointed. Better to put them away for awhile and return to them fresh later.
Instead, I started working a few weeks ago on a book titled Tonic, which is actually a complete rethinking of a previously self published work titled Meresin's Brew. I printed Meresin's Brew back in '98, and it has been a work that has always kind of bothered me, partly because I always felt that I didn't put enough time into it. I did, I admit, rush the story and drawings for it, mainly because I wanted to get it out there...and even though I got good responses over it (mostly, I think, because it actually made more sense than the book I published right before it), it's always been a thorn in my spleen.

Above is the cover in progress for the book, still to be worked on, but this is the main idea for it. The first draft is near completion. Basically, the theme is the same: the main character finds an unlabled bottle at home, and the strange events that take place afterwards and as he drinks it....but I have reworked it to include a few other characters as well as more of a reason behind the events.
I hope to start the illustrations for it in the next few months, after I move the rest of the surviving possessions to Denver. I have been toying with the thought of making the individual chapters available to download for under a dollar each, or something....mainly because it might help me to illustrate it faster. I don't know, still mulling that thought over. Hopefully after publishing it, it will cease to haunt me.

I've also been working on cover ideas for the Crying Attic...

The above is the (as of yet) winning illustrated idea for the cover, in a rough mode. I have to admit, envisioning the cover for this book has been difficult, and I'm still struggling with ideas and concepts.
The actual story is finished, after having gone through a dozen or more rewrites, as well as 90% of the illustrations (I have been promised that these things have survived the storage disaster...and I REALLY hope that is true!). I have written about this story before, so to sum up, it is basically a ghost story told in three related acts that form a written Moebius Strip.
I'm looking forward to getting it here finally so that I can finish the work on it, hopefully having the cover design figured out in that time, and start working towards finally publishing it.

Bread is a fairy tale that has been in the back of my mind for years, taking many different shapes, but staying somewhat formless. About a week or so ago, I had some fun with some leftover bread ends, a few of which as shown below:

...and for some reason that I have no explanation for, the story suddenly came together. That, for me, is one of the more exciting aspects about writing fiction, when the story works itself out. I have had this happen with several of my projects (part of why I feel ok with the idea of putting work aside for a length of time when the writing gets stale or I find that I'm stuck on a part of the narration, sometimes the blurry parts become focused when I'm not looking at them) and it's always the same feeling I get when discovering a new author or just a new book that speaks to me. In a lot of ways being a writer of your own fiction makes you also the work's first audience.
The notes and ideas that I've had for Bread have been scattered all over the place, and I'm currently in the process of reorganizing them and outlining the story. I should start writing the first draft in the coming weeks.
Due to their part in the congealing of the book, I plan to use one of the bread guys for the cover photo....a new one with a handmade mask stitched into the bread; I've also been thinking of incorporating them into the drawings for the story, like little Easter Eggs.
The story itself can best be described with it's moral (as many fairy tales are apt to have): Be Careful What You Dream. It also will be written within the rule of threes, which any of you who have read and/or studied fairy tales will know, is one of the unwritten practices when writing them. Three little Pigs...the Three Bears in Goldylocks...the Three Questions Little Red Riding Hood asks....ect.

Other than working on these books, I have been crying in the shower a lot, but I promised myself that I wouldn't write about that in my blog....so you should probably forget I said anything.

Actually, I have been toying with the idea (which has now become more of a plan) to do away with my Etsy account, due to lack of use on my part, and just starting an Ebay storefront where I'll post drawings and handmade items for sale. This won't be happening until I get my possessions from Pennsylvania and see who the survivors are. When built, the store will contain original drawings, handmade dolls and puppets I've been doing.....and preserved bread wearing masks (you THINK that I'm kidding!)

I'm also working on a post about doing what has been dubbed as the Portraits Project on an on order basis....

...but again, this is on hold for the moment until after relocating to Denver and getting a little more situated. I'll definitely explain more about this in the near future.

Lastly, I have been goofing off with photoshop....that is, I've always wanted to alter photos of people into versions of what they'd look like as my drawings. Here is an example I did quickly:

....Unfortunately, finding the right photos to do this with is a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I no longer have an account with Photos.com, which would have been great for images. So, if anyone has any leads to good free photo sites that contain head shots of people (preferably with no backgrounds), let me know.

Only one blog post to go!

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Eight...Addendum

Part Eight Addendum: the Purple Shriveled Pickle

I felt that it would be important to add this little tidbit, if for no better reason than getting to use the word "tidbit", and also due to the fact that it's not entirely true that everything in the past few weeks has been of the mixed blessing variety. There is a really good thing to share as well:

My brother and his girlfriend, Corinne, recently announced their engagement! This is awesome because they, in my opinion, are really good together and because I already have come to view her as a sister.....a purple-haired sister that listens to shitty pseudo punk music....but a sister nonetheless. And I'm NOT about to publicly chastise her right now due to the fact that she's going to go see Hank Williams 3 tonight with the other retards.

Please feel free to use the above links to give congrats to the happy couple if you feel the need.....add them to your friend's list, send them angry letters about things that they have nothing to do with or send them money to help get started drinking early tonight.

In other news, the internet connection seems to be up again finally, after being down for the past several days; I have the entire day off and plan to finish up the last two posts of this directionless ten part series that I originally intended to have all posted within two or three days after starting....then I will start a series of One part series posts, because that makes more sense. My feet itch, just thought you all should know.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Eight

Part Eight: the Mixed Blessing Blood Trail

So, yeah. I haven't kept up with this here bloggy machine thing that well as of late, nor have I been very good at keeping in touch with many friends, acquaintances or those that I don't even really like but scare me enough into pretending that I do lest I find myself forced into race dialing 911 while they swing a rusty nail-studded bat around my room while screaming unintelligible phrases about the "little piggies"! (You know who you are!)

So, I suppose a little list of current events is in order:

A plan was finally formulated to acquire my possessions from storage (including my car). This would have taken place the first week of August. The key-word here is "would".

My brother and I were recently asked to leave the condo we are/were living in in Westminster by our landlords, who I suspect made this decision while on one of their many coke-addled benders. At first we were given 30 days and the story that they planned to sell the condo....that turned into 12 days and a story that they needed the time to fix the place up for other potential renters. After much protesting and threatening of legal recourse, it turned back into 30 days...and so on. At this point I really have lost track of how much time we have and what the new reason behind the decision is, and I couldn't really give a fuck. This is what put the "would" in the previous event.

Before I left Pennsylvania I took everything I still owned out of the storage place that I was renting and put it into the corner of the small unfinished room of the basement in my folk's house. Now, due to an error on the plumber's part when the house was being constructed, the drain in that room had to be plugged because it was a slightly higher elevation than the others and caused slight problems with the toilets and what not. This would only ever be a problem if, let's say, one of the two water-heaters not five feet from where my stuff was, exploded and then proceeded to spray unchecked for 12 or so hours. I don't know the full extent of the loss, and probably won't for the next few days, but I do know that so far the casualties include my bed, the desk, the drawing table, my matte-cutter, framed artwork (mine as well as others that were bought or given to me), all my crescent board, my case of Arches Paper, an undetermined (as of yet) number of books and the entire contents of my portfolio. The lone water heater also took out my parent's basement basically....including their bar, bathroom, some furniture and all the carpet. What a soldier!

I was described, many years ago by the parents of one of my close friends, as insouciant, which has become one of my favorite words. For the most part I'd like to believe that that is true, but that's not to mean that I don't suffer from the same moods as others, just that I usually do a good job of either hiding it from everybody or knowing when to avoid people altogether, usually only my close friends or those that have known me for years being able to see through the façade.
Luckily, this fact still held true during all of this, for I honestly believe that had I somehow found myself as coke-addled as my landlords, I would have been picked up by the police in Denver for publicly punting babies!
As fun as that would have been, I have also learned in all my years that the downsides to things usually come with upsides in the same package. Luckily this holds true with all of the events listed above.

My folks apparently have great Homeowner's Insurance, and even though we don't know the full extent of the damage as of yet, we have been assured that everything will be covered....I just wish I could see the representative's face when he learns exactly HOW MUCH some of this lost stuff was worth.
This promised sum affords me the ability to not only stay in Colorado (which I really thought I'd have to leave after the many conflicting announcements of when and why we were being expelled from the condo) but to move into Denver far earlier than I originally had planned to, which is good due to the fact that I really can't stand Westminster!
This also puts acquiring my stuff and car back into motion, just slated for the end of August now instead of the beginning. And let's face it....it's looking like I'll have less to move now! Ha!

I think I just shit blood in my pants......

Not Part of the Soggy Toast Saga.....

About two or so years ago, my girlfriend at the time and I were witnesses to a horrible scene on Bardstown Road while trying to enjoy our chai teas outdoors, that is, we saw a medium sized dog get struck by a car. The car must have only swiped him for he was very much still alive, yelping and circling in the middle of the busy street, before laying down out of fear or shock. We both were trying to get out into the road, waving down traffic in order to do so, when a second car ran completely over this dog! It didn't even seem like the car made any attempt to swerve or slow down even....it just let both tires roll this poor dog like a rag doll. Nor did it even stop afterwards. I will maybe give them the benefit of doubt that they didn't have time to see the dog before striking it, but there is no possible way they couldn't have known that they ran it over.

I'm bringing this up tonight because I remember the wave of anger and awe I felt then thinking about how people could be so fucking heartless and uncaring.

Tonight, I was driving home from work in Denver on 25 North. There is a long curved ramp from this Interstate to get onto 36 West, which I was in the process of navigating when I witnessed a van, maybe two car lengths in front of me, change lanes directly infront of two motorcycles. Actually, more like changing lanes INTO the two motorcycles, to be more precise. One of the bikers managed to control his braking fishtale and swerved into the left lane (luckily unoccupied at that time), but the other biker started sliding sideways. The car infront of me quickly changed lanes to avoid what was about to happen, and I got the front row seat of watching this biker finally roll once, still with his bike, then roll face first into the concrete barrier at the side of the ramp (no, he was not wearing a helmet, of course).....went limp as a doll, rolling along side the gutter, and his bike then running him over. I came to a stop in the shoulder not ten feet from where he laid on his back. Amazingly, he was not only still alive, but conscious, and I ran to him while dailing 911. I did my best trying to tell him to just lie still and that an ambulance would be on it's way soon, but he was in a great deal of pain, and his head was split wide open on the right side and partly caved in.
His partner ran to us and helped in trying to keep him calm, and luckily a passing off duty nurse and EMT stopped to help as much as they could. The ambulance and police finally arrived and took over, and it was then that I finally realized that the van that caused this accident never stopped....NOR did the people directly in front of me who witnessed the whole event as well!

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this blog. I feel sick! Not only for what I witnessed, of course, but for the fact that these people could drive away like that! What could possibly be in thier heads to make them that way? Are we who stopped to help THAT different in make up?
This poor guy's friend kept thanking me for calling 911 as if it was an unheard of thing to do, the police as well thanked me in that same way for the very same act!

The dog that got run over twice, over two years ago, did survive, and seemed like it would do well. I doubt I will be able to say that about the biker.

I'm going to drink myself to sleep now.