(Intermittent Transmission of a Wandering Mind)
-Logue
This is where dispatches from my ongoing peculiarities will appear.
Updates, artwork, mild revelations, and the occasional useful scrap. A space for thoughts to stretch, stammer, or shimmer. Expect stories, sketches, reflections, and the occasional something that isn’t quite sure what it is yet. Frequency may vary. Clarity is not guaranteed. Proceed gently. Do not tap the glass. The specimens may be watching you too.
Lockers Frozen for about Six Weeks......
The following is an actual conversation between two men I overheard while changing in the locker room of my gym:
Older man: Hey Joe! Haven't seen you for a while.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Where you been hiding?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: You get down to Florida yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Hear it's been nice there lately, but there's going to be some strong storms.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: How's Carol?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: She start back at the school yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Shame about what happened, but you both have the Lord looking after you.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Similar thing happened to a cousin of mine when he was about, oh I don't know, maybe in his twenties, and he didn't wear socks for near two years....or was he my nephew?
(Holy Shit! I swear I am NOT making that up!! He actually said that!! At this point I was sitting on the bench tieing my shoes and I had to bend down so that my face was almost touching them because I started laughing)
Younger man: About six weeks.
(The conversation paused here while the older gentleman seemed to have a strange wrestling match with his towel, that had somehow gotten extremely twisted, muttering things under his breath while doing so.......I was dressed at this point and put my ear buds in and exited to go work out)
Seriously, this really took place! I have no clue wether the Younger man was messing with the Older man by just answering "About Six Weeks" to everything, or if he had suffered some sort of mental stroke leaving that phrase as the only thing he could say. I don't know why the Older man never seemed to even take notice to that. And for the life of me, I can't even begin to figure out what sort of disaster would cause someone to miss work or school (depending on wether this woman was a student or school employee) as well as possibly lead to the hatred or fear of wearing socks for any length of time!! Now, I get accussed of living in my own skewed version of reality from time to time, so when reality takes it upon itself to do the skewing for me, I get unbelieveably happy! I've had a shit eating grin on my face ever since this incident, and it was even enough to counter the other conversation I was listening to before, where a man stated that Climate Change (ie: Global Warming) was definitely a myth for the reasons that Fox News said as much as well as there being snow on the ground........yeah, I so wanted to remind him that the fact that the Earth orbits the sun was a myth, until it wasn't. It just wouldn't have been as effective to say that while giggling.
Older man: Hey Joe! Haven't seen you for a while.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Where you been hiding?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: You get down to Florida yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Hear it's been nice there lately, but there's going to be some strong storms.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: How's Carol?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: She start back at the school yet?
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Shame about what happened, but you both have the Lord looking after you.
Younger man: About six weeks.
Older man: Similar thing happened to a cousin of mine when he was about, oh I don't know, maybe in his twenties, and he didn't wear socks for near two years....or was he my nephew?
(Holy Shit! I swear I am NOT making that up!! He actually said that!! At this point I was sitting on the bench tieing my shoes and I had to bend down so that my face was almost touching them because I started laughing)
Younger man: About six weeks.
(The conversation paused here while the older gentleman seemed to have a strange wrestling match with his towel, that had somehow gotten extremely twisted, muttering things under his breath while doing so.......I was dressed at this point and put my ear buds in and exited to go work out)
Seriously, this really took place! I have no clue wether the Younger man was messing with the Older man by just answering "About Six Weeks" to everything, or if he had suffered some sort of mental stroke leaving that phrase as the only thing he could say. I don't know why the Older man never seemed to even take notice to that. And for the life of me, I can't even begin to figure out what sort of disaster would cause someone to miss work or school (depending on wether this woman was a student or school employee) as well as possibly lead to the hatred or fear of wearing socks for any length of time!! Now, I get accussed of living in my own skewed version of reality from time to time, so when reality takes it upon itself to do the skewing for me, I get unbelieveably happy! I've had a shit eating grin on my face ever since this incident, and it was even enough to counter the other conversation I was listening to before, where a man stated that Climate Change (ie: Global Warming) was definitely a myth for the reasons that Fox News said as much as well as there being snow on the ground........yeah, I so wanted to remind him that the fact that the Earth orbits the sun was a myth, until it wasn't. It just wouldn't have been as effective to say that while giggling.
Scientists would have You Believe We Is Descendants of Monkies...
....I'm having a hard time with this, for some reason.......
Empty Baby Graves and Looted Archery Stores A'Plenty...
It is upon us again people, the day where hell opens the flood gates and let's loose it's army of undead babies for target practice.....or as hallmark would like you to call it, Valentine's Day.
I have written of this day before.....Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine.....and I still stick by that blog, regardless of the fact that I lost friends from it.....Hell, my number of friends always seems to drop a few numbers with every blog I post.
I can't believe it's already been a year since then....a full year without romantic, sticky involvements....minus one, that I've been trying to wash away with beer and peroxide ever since.
In any case, may this day find you all well and full of store-bought chocolates. May you all survive the poison arrows of the undead as well as may the taste of envelope licking leave your mouths.
I leave you all with this, from my book Tales from a Broken String......
the Lonliness of an Empty Crawlspace...
Continuing the spirit of yesterday's blog, I thought that I'd take this opportunity to expand a bit on the whole idea of random facts, but this time by giving you five random and wholey made up facts about each of the five persons that I tagged. I do understand that this will more than likely lead to myself being subjected to attempts in pain and sufferring, both in the comments to follow as well as in the blogs of my intended subjects.....but seeing as I lack the basic human emotions of embarrassment as well as sapience, I don't really care. Thusly, without further adieu.......
Clint Allen
#1- Clint Allen was actually born with four arms....that is, he has arms in place of his legs, which makes him look funny while running, but makes him a dangerous competitor during a game of dodge-ball.
#2- He was once engaged to a bar of soap, until we (his friends) held the now infamous Intervention....it's the last fucking time we will ever use a game of dodge-ball as an Intervention vehicle!
#3- Clint started the whole "abolish the N word" fiasco as a means to piggy-back his desire to re-instate the word "thusly", which was declared unclean by the Pope in 1947.
#4- Clint is actually living backwards, having been born a grown man and getting younger every year....much like Merlin, but without the cool magic tricks.
#5- Clint has actually killed fourteen people with his mind now, once for everytime he was served iced-tea that tasted like dishwater.
Mungmopper
#1- Born Christopher Gabriel Williams, he prefers to be called Gabe due to his affinity with the show Welcome Back Cotter.
#2- Mungmopper started his own religion as a small child called Chacky (sha-kee) that today still boasts only one member....himself.
#3- He and I share the same mother, only not by blood, just proximity.
#4- Mungmopper's popular home-brewed beer is actually made by the blood of lambs and his own fermented urine.
#5- Mungmopper will actually murder me four years from now, as the Soothsayer has foreseen, and then end his own life by accidentally jumping through the nearest window, which is his custom, 13 floors above the street.
Bloomin'
#1- Bloomin' is known as "the Greek Paris Hilton"......that's hot!
#2- He was one of the original cast members of the classic Jason and the Argonauts, but was fired after getting his ass kicked by Ray Harryhausen in a drunken argument.
#3- He is the inventor of Nater, a new form of water that fails to get anything wet....which failed when introduced to the market in 1988.
#4- Bloomin' has an impressive collection of apples that are deformed in such a way that they all resemble Mickey Rourke.
#5- Bloomin' actually only consists of 4 facts, as long as you discount this one.
Lizzay
#1- Elizabeth can eat 51 eggs in and hour......fuck you Cool Hand Luke!!
#2- She has the ability to fly, but chooses not to ever since the doctors said it was really called falling, and responsible for all her multiple fractures.
#3- Elizabeth has a huge collection of Rock T-Shirts, which actually outnumbers the ammount of bands that have shirts available.
#4- She gave up her carreer as an assassin after receiving a contract to kill Clint Allen.....and I'm still waiting for my money back!
#5- Elizabeth has the ability to completely mask her Long Island accent, until she has had too much to drink, whereas she starts to speak with a Scottish accent.
Rachael
#1- Rachael's name is actually pronounced, Ra-chi-el, much like Raphael, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist.
#2- The photos in her profile are not stretched in Photoshop, she actually lives in an elongated plain.
#3- Rachael was one of the original dancers in the Riverdance ensemble, until they left without her after a performance in Bunslip, New Jersey.
#4- It is a scientific fact that she will suffer from a misspelling before the day is through.
#5- It is not true that there exists an underground tape of Rachael involving pancakes and Clint Allen's mustard....I'm holding out for more money.
....and there we have it folks. Twenty-five more facts to float around your brains, slowly devouring more uselful information that you had previously stored.
Clint Allen
#1- Clint Allen was actually born with four arms....that is, he has arms in place of his legs, which makes him look funny while running, but makes him a dangerous competitor during a game of dodge-ball.
#2- He was once engaged to a bar of soap, until we (his friends) held the now infamous Intervention....it's the last fucking time we will ever use a game of dodge-ball as an Intervention vehicle!
#3- Clint started the whole "abolish the N word" fiasco as a means to piggy-back his desire to re-instate the word "thusly", which was declared unclean by the Pope in 1947.
#4- Clint is actually living backwards, having been born a grown man and getting younger every year....much like Merlin, but without the cool magic tricks.
#5- Clint has actually killed fourteen people with his mind now, once for everytime he was served iced-tea that tasted like dishwater.
Mungmopper
#1- Born Christopher Gabriel Williams, he prefers to be called Gabe due to his affinity with the show Welcome Back Cotter.
#2- Mungmopper started his own religion as a small child called Chacky (sha-kee) that today still boasts only one member....himself.
#3- He and I share the same mother, only not by blood, just proximity.
#4- Mungmopper's popular home-brewed beer is actually made by the blood of lambs and his own fermented urine.
#5- Mungmopper will actually murder me four years from now, as the Soothsayer has foreseen, and then end his own life by accidentally jumping through the nearest window, which is his custom, 13 floors above the street.
Bloomin'
#1- Bloomin' is known as "the Greek Paris Hilton"......that's hot!
#2- He was one of the original cast members of the classic Jason and the Argonauts, but was fired after getting his ass kicked by Ray Harryhausen in a drunken argument.
#3- He is the inventor of Nater, a new form of water that fails to get anything wet....which failed when introduced to the market in 1988.
#4- Bloomin' has an impressive collection of apples that are deformed in such a way that they all resemble Mickey Rourke.
#5- Bloomin' actually only consists of 4 facts, as long as you discount this one.
Lizzay
#1- Elizabeth can eat 51 eggs in and hour......fuck you Cool Hand Luke!!
#2- She has the ability to fly, but chooses not to ever since the doctors said it was really called falling, and responsible for all her multiple fractures.
#3- Elizabeth has a huge collection of Rock T-Shirts, which actually outnumbers the ammount of bands that have shirts available.
#4- She gave up her carreer as an assassin after receiving a contract to kill Clint Allen.....and I'm still waiting for my money back!
#5- Elizabeth has the ability to completely mask her Long Island accent, until she has had too much to drink, whereas she starts to speak with a Scottish accent.
Rachael
#1- Rachael's name is actually pronounced, Ra-chi-el, much like Raphael, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist.
#2- The photos in her profile are not stretched in Photoshop, she actually lives in an elongated plain.
#3- Rachael was one of the original dancers in the Riverdance ensemble, until they left without her after a performance in Bunslip, New Jersey.
#4- It is a scientific fact that she will suffer from a misspelling before the day is through.
#5- It is not true that there exists an underground tape of Rachael involving pancakes and Clint Allen's mustard....I'm holding out for more money.
....and there we have it folks. Twenty-five more facts to float around your brains, slowly devouring more uselful information that you had previously stored.
An Insignificant History attracting Flies in the Sun
Yep, it's officially my birthday. Thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy one for the past few days, and a curse on those who haven't!! (don't worry too much, as stated in the previous Blog, the best I can do with curses is to make you fart in public)
And, in answering those who have asked what the hell Fish Day is: it's a fucking holiday!! So don't go to work. Let me explain....the first official Fish Day was in 1998, when I was living with my brother in State College Pennsylvania. I had only been there for a few months and didn't know too many people and definitely hadn't made any plans to do anything when my birthday rolled around. Second, I am sick to death of the birthday cliche' of birthdays being terrible and their subjects moping around as if they were just told that they had colon cancer. I refused to give into either.
So, the night before I created three Fish Day cards and had a few hundred of them reproduced at Kinkos, which is the place that I worked at the time.....which is a lot more like having colon cancer. I spent my birthday then, out in town handing cards to everyone I crossed paths with.
Yell at the Birds to Get Out of the Sky.
Staple Raw Bacon to Yourself.
Try to Hug a Complete Stranger
For Thirty Minutes.
Tell Someone that your Fingers Hate Them,
Except for One, and then Show Them that Finger.
By the end of the day, in a town that I had previously known almost no one, I now knew (or at least was known by) a few hundred. Plus, I had been bought so much birthday coffee that I nearly shit myself as well as those around me.
I continued this tradition (of handing out the cards, not of nearly shitting myself and others....that tradition falls on Presidents Day) for the next few years. I have kind of slacked off the past couple of years. I would have tried to revive it this time, except for the fact that I'm currently in central Pennsylvania....and I really don't want to know the people here, let alone not wanting them to know me.
So, Happy Fish Day to you all!! May the Great Insect Overlord show you mercy and all of that.....oh, and since you asked, here is my super happy fun time wishlist again, for those of you who wish to celebrate this fine day by buying me a present:
