"Things were bad, But now they're good...FOREVER!!", Dr. Zoidberg

It has been written, in some book that I can't remember the name of right this moment, that God created the world in six days....which, as someone who has browsed every channel on cable tv, I would have to assume was a lot of work. On the seventh day, God had a cigarette, which is why so called health experts and others of the non-smoking variety claim that it takes seven days before those that are quitting the addiction start to feel any real relief. This, of course, is complete anti-tobacco leftist pinko bullshit!
Here's some science for ya: some self-proclaimed "really smart" guys have established that there are 5 stages to death....that is, that one typically goes through five different emotional stages after losing someone close to them. These stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are NOT separate stages for five total days! For some, these stages can take weeks, months, even years.
Now, those who are quitting smoking go through a similar series of stages, known as the 4,367 stages of quitting smoking....which contain the previous mentioned five, plus Screaming, Uncontrollable Blinking, Flatulence, Wrath, Unconsciousness, Stabbing, Fear of Toast, Oprah Watching and Acute Sensitivity to Bad Fashion.....just to name a few. And to think that someone can accomplish all of these stages in under a weeks time is not only laughable but should be punishable by death!

I have learned yesterday from my friend Clint, that I am now on my twelfth day without a smoke. I actually had no idea because it's hard to keep track of the days when you spend them screaming at the hallucinations to quit poking you with their tridents. Is it getting any easier you ask? Fuck you! Haven't you read anything I had written above?! Ok, sorry....that was as uncalled for as your stupid fucking question. I apologize.
In all honesty, no, it's not actually any easier right now in the sense that I don't feel any better and the cravings really haven't started to lessen any. What HAS changed is my risk of actually giving in and running down to the corner convenient store to buy a new pack....mostly due to the fact that I chewed off my own feet somewhere around the third day or so....I do believe it's the loss of blood that is causing the trident impaling hallucinations, though the anti-smoking voodoo witch doctors would have you believe otherwise.

Now, if someone could be so kind as to call for help.....and bring me a cigarette.......for the love of God!!!!

Hot Polished-Rock on Polished Rock Action, the Movie!

In 1565, Holland's Peter Breugel painted "Hunters in the Snow" and another work depicting scenes resembling modern curling. Breugel's paintings support the premise held by some that curling originated in continental Europe. The Scots, however, are the undisputed developers and formalizers of the modern game. By 1638 curling was considered, with golf and archery (in M. H. Adamson's poem The Muses Threnodie), to be a usual recreational pastime and just as mind-numbingly as boring as golf and archery. After a huge growth spurt in the 19th century, curling was played by thousands in nearly every Scottish parish.

The origin of the so called sport is actually believed to have started by a dispute between two brothers living on opposite sides of a lake from one another. Though the argument today is widely debated, some believe that it was a disagreement about toast that grew out of hand, and ended finally one winter when both brothers tried to kill one another by throwing rocks. Having both lost their footing on the ice, the battle continued with the brothers, prone on the ice, attemptiing to brain one another using any rock withing reach and sliding them albeit slowly across the lake. Word reached the town, and by the time the folk made it to the lake the fighting was over. They were witness to the brother's wives on the ice, using brooms to gather pieces of cranium and brain matter....thus the sport of curling was born!

Between the 16th and 20th centuries, Scotland's climate warmed, and today the lochs rarely freeze. The climate change hindered curlers, who tried to kill one another outdoors on natural ice until the 20th century. Nonetheless the Scots had, by the mid-1800s, formalized curling's rules of play and equipment and had established the "mother club" of curlers worldwide, the Royal Caledonian Curling and Competative Crotcheting Club. The RCCCCC is today the national governing body of curling in Scotland, with 20,000 active members now playing indoors on refrigerated ice, or crotcheting cute little hats for one another near a fireplace at home.

The game of curling spread throughout the world through the efforts of thousands of Scottish soldiers and migrs settling their toast disputes at any body of frozen water that they could find. In North America, curling's origins likely date to the late 1700s. The first documented record is the founding of the Montreal Curling Club in 1807, who were the first to use curling to settle and argument originating somehow from Canadian Bacon.

In 1832, the Orchard Lake Curling Club, near Orchard Lake (makes sense, doesn't it?), became the first curling club in the United States, organized at the home of Dr. Robert Burns. The Orchard Lake group curled on Lake St. Clair, fifty miles away....why they did that is still a mystery that historians all agree is not worth investigating. The oldest continuously operating curling club in the United States is the Milwaukee, Wisconsin club, founded in 1845. The Scottish founders' roster included such names as Murray, Ferguson, Dunlop, Gunyon, Findlay, Kinney, McFarland and McFadyen.

The ice sport of curling, although never well known in the United States, has developed steadily throughout American history. The sport is often passed down through families and has provided enjoyable winter recreation and brain trauma to thousands of Americans.

In 2006, curling finally became a household name by becoming the apparently only God Damn event in the 2006 Winter Olympics!!!!

Take it from Clint, you can't fuck a wall outlet!

Actually, I don't have anything to write about. That title has just been giving me laughing fits since it was first said after both Clint and I failed to win the Powerball Jackpot.

That is all....stay tuned for next week when I write about "Drummers, and the people who are going to poison their water!"

Burying Things in the Desert....

For those of you living in the states I know you've had to see these advertisements, the New campaign for Las Vegas...What Happens Here, Stays Here brilliance. Even those of you who don't watch much tv must have caught at least one of these at some point....they seem to have saturated the fucking airwaves recently.

For any who don't know of the advertising of which I now speak, a quick discriptive:

*a woman questioned by her boyfriend after returning from a trip to Las Vegas quickly sums it up in nothing but shopping and sighs the "That Was Close" sigh when he leaves the room...leading the audience to believe that she must have taken it up the ass by some swarmy guy for more poker chips or something.

*a guy giving out fake carreers as his own to a variety of people while in Vegas, obviously thinking that his job as a Burger Technichian at Jack in the Box will more than likely keep him from getting laid..

*a woman giving the same variety of people different fake names, obviously due to the fact that she doesn't like to hear her real name called out while blowing a stranger in a back alley...

...and it goes on from there. I mean, it's no wonder why Las Vegas is finally trying to shed it's "family freindly" look that they spent so much fucking money on over the past decade....the hookers are still there! Prooving that a Mikey Mouse look and feel is NOT a deterance for whores (someone, somewhere HAS to have a story about banging Snow White in a back office at Disney World at some point in time).
But now what I'm waiting for is the day when Las Vegas finally learns that Americans are for the most part lost on subtlety and suggestion....there is a man somewhere who just watched one of the commercials going, "I don't get it....why is she so worried about shopping in Las Vegas? Did she really spend that much?" while his children sit there rolling their eyes. If there is one thing that Americans have prooved about ourselves time and time again, is that we are a nation of complete and total idiots that really need things spelled out for us, regardless of whether it's spelled out truthfully or not....we'll still eat that shit up! The day will have to come when these commercials get a tad more blatant....

*a man is picked up at the airport by his wife and after kissing her she mentions, "Honey, your breath smells like semen."...the camera locks onto his worried stare....

*Two men return from Vegas late one night, their suits are dirt soiled and they are pulling shovels from their trunk..."What Happens Here, Sometimes REALLY stays here!"

But why stop there? I mean, if they really want to sell Vegas as a place for vice again, why not just pull out the guns and go for it? Picture advertisements showing a business man on the phone with his wife telling her that the conference went fine while getting a handjob froma hooker in his hotel room....a man getting the ever loving shit kicked out of him in the back room of a casino....a woman curled into the fetal position behind a dumpster sobbing about losing everything...."Las Vegas, We're Seedy Again!"

And maybe other states can follow suit in this new campaign. Montana can adopt the Brokeback Mountain idea with and advertisement showing two cowboys embraced, "Montana...Where Real Cowpokes Cum!" Ha! See? Maybe Mississippi can have one showing a clan rally, "Mississippi, We Still Hate Niggers!" Why not?! Not like it's any big secret! Or how about the favorite vacation advertisements we all love? You know, for states that you would never think of vacationing at ever. A series of beautiful landscapes and activities follwed with, "Come to Virginia. There really isn't Anything to do...but at least We're Not Kansas!"

....and, to think, my mother thought advertising would have been a good career choice for me.

Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage, nagging and questions such as, "Does this crusifiction make my but look fat?". The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. And February 16th was the day of Vomitus, a very busy day for all vomitorium emplyees.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, for grown men were the only ones allowed to rape young boys, while yougn girls were left to be knocked up by Gods in order to give birth to heros and horrible beasts for the heros to fight, thus giving the Romans subjects to sing about while vomitting in large groups in the vomitoriums. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, very similar to the United sates under the rule of emperor Jeb. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius, the patron saint of nothing in particular, aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, as long as they were of opposite sexes, and for this kind and homophobic deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off, in that order. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts in susstitution for their own made up mythology, by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feaSt. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

Years later, saint Hallmark, a priest who had a fondness for giving out cards and playing with teddy bears while being smeared with chocolates, tried to convince others that he had been martyred as well...but of course no one believed him and usually beat him up for coming into their homes. Though, some did take pity on Hallmark and bought his cards and Bears and Chocolates. Eventually, everyone had so many of these items that they satrted to give them away, usually to the people that they liked the least. The most unliked in the communities became smothered in the piles of crap they received and died.

Christians also believed that when a person died, they became ghostly in appearance and grew wings. Other cultures believed that one was resurrected in another form to live life again, but they are all doomed to a Christian version on hell, so we're not interested in them right now. Those that were unliked and thus smothered in Hallmarks on the aniversary of Valentines death were said to return in this ghostly form weilding bows in order to get their revenge on those that caused their deaths. They were believed to shoot others with an arrow that made others not like them enough to smother them with Hallmark's gifts, thus the idea of the cupid, which means 'diaper wearing ghost', was born.

So, at this time, let me say, "Happy Valentines Day" to all of you. May you smother those you despise with gifts in hopes that they cry themselves to death. And while you fuck the ones that you love silly, may you keep in mind that you do so for a man that was beaten to death and then beheaded, while his co-conspirator wenrt unpunished and probably spent the day eating a lot of pudding that he would vomit the following day.

Also, remember that you are only allowed by Christians to scrump your partner silly in the "missionary" position and never in the pooper, because homosexuals are bad.