...and so begins the descent....I'll take you all with me!
I woke up this morning an older man....one day older than yesterday, and one year older than one year ago today. Thirty Five years to be more precise. In celebration I have made these plans: First, to drink my birthday cups of coffee, during which I'll take a birthday handful of xanax. Before the shitting and vomitting starts I'll take the time to share with you some of my birthday's fun facts!
First, my horoscope today:
My Birthday horoscope:
Happy Birthday! The months ahead will see you being emotionally detached from the people around you and you'll discover a level of self discipline that will help you cope with the demands of work or school. Your emotions will balance out again, especially when a romantic interest catches your eye. July will be a challenging month, when you will feel more restless than usual, but by contrast November will be a dream, where youll feel on top of the world!
Which I have to say, is drastically different from last years:
Fuck You! The months ahead will hopefully kill you. June will be a challenging month, forcing you to never trust anyone ever again....and giving you a new hatred for Buddy Holly, of all things. Do you hear that? That is the winds of change blowing, you bastard....and they smell like a miso soup fart, don't they? Choke on it, you bald fuck!
Other people born this day:
Adlai E. Stevenson, Jr. was born on 5th of February in 1900
Adlai Stevenson was born on 5th of February in 1900
John Carradine was born on 5th of February in 1906
William Burroughs was born on 5th of February in 1914
Red Buttons was born on 5th of February in 1919
Andrew Greeley was born on 5th of February in 1928
Father Andrew Greeley was born on 5th of February in 1928
Hank Aaron was born on 5th of February in 1934
Henry Hank Aaron was born on 5th of February in 1934
H.R. Giger was born on 5th of February in 1940
David Selby was born on 5th of February in 1941
Jane Bryant Quinn was born on 5th of February in 1941
Roger Staubach was born on 5th of February in 1942
Stephen J. Cannell was born on 5th of February in 1942
Barbara Hershey was born on 5th of February in 1948
Christopher Guest was born on 5th of February in 1948
Jennifer Jason Leigh was born on 5th of February in 1962
Laura Linney was born on 5th of February in 1964
Bobby Brown was born on 5th of February in 1969
Jeremy Sumpter was born on 5th of February in 1989
I'm kinda pleased about the Giger and Burroughs birthdays....and I'd like to share a birthday party with Jennifer J. Leigh, because that would be fun I suspect.
Here's some "This Day in History" Crap for ya:
1936 Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin debuts
A riot squad is called out for crowd control on this day in 1936 at the premiere of Charlie Chaplin's film Modern Times, co-starring Paulette Goddard, whom he secretly married the same year. Enormous crowds gathered on Broadway outside the Rivoli Theater to see Douglas Fairbanks, Gloria Swanson, George Burns, Ginger Rogers, and other stars arrive for the film's debut.
1883 Southern Pacific Railroad completes "Sunset Route"
The Southern Pacific Railroad completes its transcontinental "Sunset Route" from New Orleans to California, consolidating its dominance over rail traffic to the Pacific.
1937 Chaplin vs. the Machine Age
In 1936, Charlie Chaplin had just wrapped up City Lights and was preparing to visit the nation's auto mecca, Detroit. A reporter for the New York World learned of Chaplin's trip and urged the star to swing by the city's "factory belt system." As Chaplin recounts in his autobiography, the reporter told a "harrowing story of big industry luring healthy men off the farms who, after four or five years at the belt system, became nervous wrecks." Duly intrigued, Chaplin toured Ford's Highland Park plant, and after seeing the factory belt in action, set to work on his next movie, Modern Times. Production on the movie had its share of bumps. Modern Times was set to be Chaplin's first foray into the world of talkies, but despite shooting audio tests and scenes with dialog, Chaplin opted again for his traditional silent route, save for a song. The movie was also subject to a swirl of politically charged rumors, as studio leaks suggested that film would be little more than Red propaganda. However, when Modern Times premiered on February 5, 1937, the industry heaved a sigh of relief: the movie was hardly a Communist tract. Rather, the tale of the tramp, played as always by Chaplin, and his paramour, played by Paulette Goddard, mixed slapstick comedy and social satire, as the duo struggled to overcome the vagaries of the machine age--strikes, riots, unemployment and the nerve wracking factory work--and get along in modern times.
1918 U.S. steamship Tuscania is torpedoed and sinks
On February 5, 1918, the Anchor line steamship Tuscania, traveling as part of a British convoy and transporting over 2,000 American soldiers bound for Europe, is torpedoed and sinks off the coast of Ireland by the German submarine U-77.
1941 Hitler to Mussolini: Fight harder!
On this day in 1941, Adolf Hitler scolds his Axis partner, Benito Mussolini, for his troops' retreat in the face of British advances in Libya, demanding that the Duce command his forces to resist.
1994 Medger Evers' killer is convicted
Byron de la Beckwith is convicted of the assassination of civil rights leader Medger Evers 31 years earlier, ending the lengthiest murder case in American history. Evers was gunned down in the driveway of his Jackson, Mississippi, home while his wife, Myrlie, and the couple's small children were inside waiting for their father.
1952 Don't Walk
The first "Don't Walk" sign was installed in New York City on this day. The city erected the signs in response to the growing awareness of pedestrian fatalities in the increasingly crowded Manhattan streets. Pedestrian fatalities are essentially an urban problem, so city dwellers, next time you see a Don't Walk sign, please don't run. In 1997, 5,307 pedestrians died as a result of automobile accidents. Fatal collisions between pedestrians and motor vehicles occur most often between six p.m. and nine p.m., a period that roughly coincides with rush hour. In 1998, in hopes of minimizing gridlock, New York City began strictly enforcing its jaywalking laws during rush hour. Pedestrians are subject to a $50 fine if they walk, or run, when faced with a Don't Walk sign.
1986 Survival is a harsh reality at times
Craig T. Budshuster of Dillinsmack Iowa, whose radio controlled model airplane crashed in the Alister Cornfist Memorial Park, eats his two children who were accompaning him. When questioned later by authorities and rescue workers, a teary eyed Craig Budshuster explains that he didn't think that he would make it back to his home, four blocks away, before supper time.
....and that about sums up my birthday today.
In all honesty, I never really cared much about today, partly because I never understood the importance people put on birthdays. For many years I felt that my birthday seem to always bring with it some sort of disaster, that is, crap always seemed to happen to me on this day, year after year. It was only a few years ago that I realized what was behind this....it was the idea that your birthday is a day that belongs to you, that everything should be perfect and you should be able to do what you wanted with it all working out. Yeah, great. You put that amount of importance and expectation on ANY day of the year and it'll just amplify the things that don't work out and such.
Now, I just celebrate my birthday with NO attached expectations. Today is a day that I will do absolutely nothing and enjoy every fucking second of it! I will kick back and relax, not letting any of the worries in...and rejoice in the fact that I have made it 35 years....six years longer than anyone in my family gave me while growing up! HA!!!!
Happy Birthday to me and Jennifer Jason Leigh! Now give me a dollar!
...and Rodan lives on Northport...it's true!
Last Wednesday I officially walked out of my job with the clear and determined intention NOT to return to it. The end of my work day consisted of wiping my computer clean of any personality, bookmarks, folders or other tale tell signs that I once worked upon it. My personal coffee cup was cleaned and packed....the pictures that were mine were rolled and stored for transport....and a list of work needing to be completed was left at the foot of the keyboard. I locked up the office, arrived home and immediately started packing my bags. At 2am Thursday morning Clint and myself were on the road on our way to New York.
This had been a decision that had been killing me for months....lingering in the back of my mind since the previous June. This was a decision that at moments made me litterally physically ill and so insanely stressed out that I couldn't tell which way was up. This was a decision that has long been overdue.
Now, a week later, we are on the return to Louisville with the direction I think we both needed to get things in motion. And I return with about a months worth of food in my stomach. You see, the running joke about me with all of my close friends (ok, ONE of the many running jokes) is that I am an anaconda....that is, on an average, I probably eat one full meal every two days and do just fine that way....anything more makes me lethargic and gassy and basically unpleasant to be around. On this venture my average has most likely increased to a "normal" three meals a day. I feel bloated and drunk and have a strong desire to dawn a wig and promote art, but that's a whole seperate story as well as an inside joke that most of you aren't going to get so I digress.
I actually have no idea where it is I was going with this blog....not really that I ever have had any clue what I'm trying to say when I start writing....I suppose that I just felt that I should write something after receiving several messages asking wether i was ok or dead. Wether I killed myself or Clint, and one message from my former employer asking wether I planned on returning to work or not.
In response: I'm fine....better than I've been in two years actually. I am unemployed, I will be 35 in 3 days, I will be living in New York in a matter of weeks.....and I've never felt so ok with my situation since I can remember.
Except for the amount of food I've consumed.....so, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and fart on Clint.
Goodnight.
...and there will be French Toast in the morning!
Did you know that it costs near seven dollars to ride the train one way from Northport on Long Island to Penn Station in the city? Or that throwing eggs at pedestrians while naked as the day you were born and screaming obscenities as explitives will land you in jail? Or finally that it's really NOT a good idea to go to jail completely naked?
These are the things that I'm learning about the big city. I also learned that gasoline is not a good liquid to use to put out your friend when he's on fire....but that's most likely true everywhere besides France....so forget I even brought it up.
No, I am here due to my promise to myself NOT to repeat the mistakes of 2005, but rather to invent a whole new dictionary of mistakes to write about days before it turns into 2007. With any luck, I'll be writing about those mistakes from my apartment in New York (most likely Brooklyn), free of both my southern accent and the last lingering shadows of my once full Chicago accent. Also, with any luck, my naked, egg-throwing friend Clint will be out of jail by then, and mostly healed from his horrible burns.
New for 06: Primate Hunting!!!!
a Year of Things I Do Not want to Overhear Someone Say while Secretly Listening to their Conversation
- I find that I'm sexually attracted to sandwiches...
- *cough* the doctor says it's highly contagious! *cough*
- Head's Up!
- While prison did cure me of my heterosexuality, it did nothing to stop the overwhelming need to rape!
- Why yes! I did shit myself! Thanks for asking...
- Well, it's all the bathing in human blood that's keeping my skin so soft...
- I need to find something to wear for the next Art Soiree...do you know where hookers shop?
- I'm so angry, I just need to STAB someone!!!
- Does this estrogen make me look fat?
- Damnit! Have you seen a snake around here? I just had it a second ago....
- I'm almost done building that new torture room I told you about...
- Want to hear my new poem about my vagina?
- Our chef is so dedicated...he's been vomitting all day, but still came into work!
- Oh my God!!! The vial broke!! It's a good thing we're wearing these hazmat suits!
- This? It's my lucky foetus....
- I don't know what I'm going to do when Bush's term is up....I just can't imagine voting for anyone smarter than a 20th generation imbred!
Eating the ass out of 2005!
This has been a particularly difficult year not only for myself, but for all of those I am close to. Close to home, this year has brought tidings of pain, saddness, deceit, betrayal, failures, unemployment, sickness and death! Not so close to home this year bore war, natural disasters, sickness, death......you know, this now being in written form is making this past year seem not so different than any other year before it. But it has felt different, more amplified to a volume that at times was unbearable! It could be that I did end up spending this year a lot less drunk and my spongy brain was able to retain and comprehend more, but I doubt that.
No, this year had been born with a poisonous thorn in it's ass that made it mad at the world and seeking revenge. I have recently been told that possibly God itself sent this year upon us as a test of our character, and if that's so, I know a lot of people who have failed and will have to be held back another year! Good luck to those poor bastards! Myself, I don't remember enrolling in God's class so it can stuff this pop test up it's Holy Ass....I'll drop out even if it guarantees me an incomplete when I die.
Now, I'm not saying that this year was all bad, not at all! I have spent time with some amazing people, learned who my true and lifelong friends are and met some more. I had been shaken out of my self-imposed creative hiatus and routine and borrowed money from my muse! (on interest I might add.....fucking muses!)
But that being said, I am glad this year is finally sounding it's death rattle and is making it's way to the Great Year Graveyard, which is a lot like a secret elephant graveyard, but with a lot less elephants....and by a lot less I mean none....none being zero......quit looking at me!
Oh, but this year is NOT going to get off that easy! No! It's going to take a mountain of porn! But that's not even what I'm talking about when I say getting off, pervert! No, this year will not be allowed to join those that came before it in their final resting place, it needs to be put down before that thus sending it into a purgatory where it can remain forgotten....I want this year to have the inability to resurface in ghost-like form (much like Obi-Wan did with Luke....I'm a nerd, what can I say?) keeping it from reminding me of itself, telling me who my real father is, not to follow the Dark Side, or to remember to put on pants before going out!
A hunting party has already been established, consisting of myself and my friend Clint.....more like a hunting duo.....that complains and threatens one another....ok, more like two dumbasses weilding sticks and walking in circles constantly asking the other if they know where they're going.....and it has recently come to my attention that Clint doesn't know and thanks to him we're now lost! My original plan was to use Clint as bait, and when 2005 pounced on him and started to feed, I was going to raise my weapon while all at once losing my nerve....and then I run like hell screaming and shitting myself! But now it seems that I'm going to have to just kill Clint and live off his carcass if I want to make it to see 2006!
If anyone finds this letter, Help! I am lost in the wilderness and running out of Clint soup! Please send money and an Xbox 360!
God damnit.....I hate 2005!
shitting on the wind chimes....
My train of thought derailed again killing a small shanty town of migrant
At this point I find myself yet again alone and laughing out loud to myself, and I wonder if Clint ever hears this upstairs and just thinks that I'm insane? I think my jib was left out in the sun too long before my brother and I were cut from it...that definately would explain the sour milk smell.
The jeans are fine, it all the Drinking and Whoring that's making you Fat...
...or the Truth about Proverbs Revealed!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
- Yes, but there are also sharks...and they'll eat you!
Theres more than one way to skin a cat.
- But the end result is always a sticky screaming skinless cat.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
- Unless of course, it happens to roll through a patch of sticky, stone-sucking moss....found primarily in England.
Theres no accounting for taste.
- Which is why you don't see many successful Taste Accountant Offices around.
Time heals all wounds.
- Except for a severed head.
Two heads are better than one.
- See the above proverb to understand why.
Variety is the spice of life.
- Cannibals can come in all shapes and sizes.
Walls have ears.
- I suggest that you start wearing tin-foil and keeping to yourself.
A watched pot never boils.
- Unless of course you fill it with water and put it over a heat source, dumbass.
Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
- I dare you to refer to a woman as "gander" to her face.
When it rains, it pours.
- Unless it's just a slight drizzle, you gloomy bastard.
A womans work is never done.
- Which is why I suggest that you beat her....she's making a fool out of you.
A word to the wise is sufficient.
- The wise tend to bore easily.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- But shit is still the best fly bait of all.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink.
- But you can drown that ungrateful bastard of a horse.
You cant fit a round peg in a square hole.
- Unless you were to use tools, which is what got us all out of the jungles in the first fucking place!
You cant make a silk purse from a sows ear.
- And, seriously...a silk purse won't go with your new Sow Ear dress you made.
You cant squeeze blood from a turnip.
- Not without first soaking the turnip in blood for a minimum of 24 hours.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
- But a bullet in his brain will keep him away for good, and you could stop eating all those god damned apples.
Beauty is only skin deep.
- Yeah, tell that to the screaming cat.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
- The main reason world domination has never been achieved by those in cahoots with mice.
Better late than never.
- Not wise to say when your job was simply to deliver life saving medicines.
Blood is thicker than water.
- Which is why a turnip needs to soak in it for so long.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
- Stupid people tend to babble on and on and on...
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
- That is of course, unless you worship a Mud God, then the cleanest of people are obviously witches and should be burned!
Cold hands, warm heart.
- The beginnings of hypothermia.
Curiosity killed the cat.
- No, the skinning of the cat led to it's death...let's not blame how it got there.
The devil is in the details.
- Which is why the Cliff Note version of the Bible is so popular in churches.
Dont cry over spilt milk.
- Unless your captor swore he'd fucking kill you if he returned to find the milk spilt...then cry your eyes out bitch!
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- Unless you have reason to believe that it swallowed your keys...it's a far worse thing to just gut the horse in front of the giver without first being sure.
Dont throw out the baby with the bath water.
- That is, unless you happen to have a bath-water baby....then by all means throw it out....what would the community think?
The early bird catches the worm.
- But in the end, it's still a worm and tastes like ass...I suggest sleeping in and then having some coffee.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
- Why then, have people not made their fortunes as cloud miners?
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
- Smart people stink and have no friends.
Give him enough rope and hell hang himself.
- Which is far better than giving him the materials to make a shiv to stab you with!
Haste makes waste.
- The reason behind the low cost of housing near Haste Factories.
He who laughs last, laughs best.
- Those that tend to chuckle first get the ever loving crap kicked out of them.
Ignorance is bliss.
- Yes, everyone on Jerry Springer seem so damn happy.
Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
- Which fails to explain why plagiarism is so ill received.
Knowledge is power.
- Really really smart people could power a city block, while those that are merely clever stuggle keeping a string of xmas lights lit.
Love conquers all.
- This explains why Hitler lost...he just didn't love enough.
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
- It is very likely that the Great Meek Uprising will happen in your lifetime.
Old soldiers never die; they only fade away.
- So what exactly is buried in those cemeteries neighboring Veteran Hospitals?
A picture is worth a thousand words.
- Photographers are the most boring people on earth.
Out of sight, out of mind.
- Blind people are all insane!
Poets are born, not made.
- But ignored by everyone else nevertheless...now mimes, they are made in labs!
Procrastination is the thief of time.
- When Procrastination was finally arrested in '73, nearly three hundred years was discovered in the crawlspace or buried in the backyard.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
- Even the very best of pudding photographs can be faked, plus then you'd have to listen to the damn photographer for at least a thousand words!
The worm turns.
- Yeah...wait, what?!
...an open letter to the King
Thank you!
Thank you Burger King for being there, at the end of the street, when I'm desperate for lunch.
Thank you for your quick service and your ability to get an order of fries and one whopper wrong.
Thank you Burger King!
Thank you for your special sauce, a healthy mixture of ketchup and mayo mixed together, and the generous portions of it you slather onto your burgers like a meat and vegetable lubricant forcing the top and bottom halves to repel one another like opposing magnets.
Thank you for taking the initiative that I might want to wear my burger rather than eat it.
Burger King...I thank you....
Thank you for your ability to fit so little fries into a king size fry box.
Thank you for being there for me....Burger King....and your amazing ability to clog my arteries while curing me of any lingering threat of constipation so well, that I just shit my pants!
the case of missing coffee....
Ok, so I just finished making a pot of coffee. I prepared it in my favorite mug (ask Dr. Science) with creamer and a dash of sugar....stirring a bit. I know that I picked it up and brought it into my studio with me because I clearly remember sipping on it while walking through the door. Sitting down at the computer I log onto here, answer a few messages and then reach for my coffee...which turns out to not be there! I have absolutely no idea where it is right now! I've searched this whole apartment, and I haven't stepped outside on the porch yet; I don't believe that I'm missing any time nor does my asshole hurt (not any more than usual that is), so there's no real possibility that some grey man is sipping my coffee while looking at pictures of the inside of my rectum! Clint and I have discovered that this house has a ghost (for a later post), but I don't think it's graduated yet into hiding things from me.
I'm seriously at a loss here, and had to pour another cup in a different mug. If any of you see my coffee, tell it that I miss it and to come home. Things will be different, I promise!