the Art of Accidentally Setting One's Self on Fire...

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and Now, a Holiday Message from Stuckmen's Sausages...

It's difficult during this time of year to write about the holidays without offending at least everyone else and probably yourself in the process. The only thing this country can truly admit is that this time of year is special for all faiths that are recognized by others as incorrect and that things need to be purchased and given away. Food and drink need to be consumed in gatherings of those who would rather not be near others, and the poor and alone are made to think about what they've done to be poor and alone.

In these days of blind commercialism and religious lethargy, most forget what ultimately started it all: the birth of everyone's savior, Cab Calloway on the banks of the river Kwanza. Cab Calloway is probably best known for his Gospel of Minnie the Moocher (which was the original blueprint behind Scientology as well as the popular game of Chutes and Ladders) and for his role in what led to the Temple's rededication by the Jews in Jerusalem (which later was the inspiration behind the character of Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies).
Ultimately, Calloway would be betrayed by one of his closest followers, Vincent Van Gogh, who turned him in to the Romans, having blamed Calloway for the loss of his ear in the now infamous 'Salted Pork Incident'. His death now celebrated during Easter, where Van Gogh is represented as an egg-laying rabbit....probably due to the two perfect ears....take THAT Vincent!!

Sadly, Cab Calloway's life and achievements have been co-opted by an American born Jew named Jesus who later was responsible to the election of President Bush and the war on oil-owning Brown People, or as it became known later: Operation Fuck Calloway.

I for one refuse to give-in to these changes and hopes the world will join me today in celebrating this day properly by singing scat-carols around the Calloway Tree....except for Canada, which has no reason to celebrate anything, seeing as they're Canadian.

Happy Calloway Day to you all!!!

-zs-

An Angel for your Thoughts....I Want Change for That!

Ok....most of you have heard the saying used a lot around this time of year, "When you hear a bell, an angel got it's wings!" This is all too true, but it's not the end of the story....just a tiny tidbit of what's really going on in the angelic order. There is a long list of signs given to us to let us know what's going on to God's winged servants. After years of research through many volumes of ancient text and exhausting interviews with eye-witnesses, I give you just a small part of the larger story...I hope it helps....uh....with your athlete's foot....or something.........uh, yeah.

- When your ear itches, an angel is watching you.

- When your eyes water, an angel is crying.

- When you hear a sneeze, an angel gets the flu.

- When your nose starts running, an angel is out of toilet paper.

- When you hear a fart, an angel just lost it's wings.

- Everytime someone says "Holy Shit!", an angel shits itself.

- When you pay a cover at a bar and then immediately leave and ask for a refund, an angel asks another angel if it's mad at him repeatedly.

- When you hear someone yelling angrily in French, you are probably in France.
(sorry, had to add that)

- When you drop a dumpling on the floor, an angel ponders something intangible.

- When you run over a squirrel in your car, an angel gets the shit kicked out of him in some dive bar in Jersey by a trucker named Dale.

Oh, and every time you post a blog an angel loses 50 or so brain cells....my goal has been and continues to be to make a large group of God's good angels drooling idiots in my lifetime.

Happy Holidays!

Having been full of Hot Turkey Goodness....

Dear Brooklyn, New York...

I give up, you win. I forfeit to you all remaining heart-friendly dark chocolates, and any ability to spell that I have remaining.

Please release your grip.

One List to Bind Them…or “Three Cheers for Infections!”

A long time ago, I was inspired to make a list of things I wanted both to do and/or experience before I was to die…assuming that I would live long enough. I can't remember what inspired this endeavor, nor do I think that it's important to the meat of this blog, so I won't even try to recall. But the fact is that over the years this list has grown and shrunk in increments as I've both added to it and crossed off accomplishments. Somewhere along the way, a second list was formed…this being populated by things I wished never to do and/or experience along the road of life.

I would like to recount some examples from both lists, but the truth is that I can't, not without doubt. The problem is I believe that on my list of things I wanted to do at one point was "To Merge Both Lists Together and Live in a State of Fear and Doubt Forever"...or maybe that was on the other list, which would definitely make more sense but I can no longer be sure, seeing as they are now as one as chocolate and Peanut Butter in the world of a Reese's Cup (that's a terrible analogy, I am aware, but "To make a Weak Comparison to a Reese's Cup While Writing" was on one of the lists as well…and I'm on a roll).

So having explained all of that, I'm either happy to report or sad to announce the crossing off of "To Contract Gangrene from a Wound or Frostbite" from the One List. Apparently it is NOT wise to dress one's wound with uncooked chicken when one runs out of sterile bandages....Looking back on it, I really should have known better. But what's done is done, and at least it'll lead to crossing off more from the list, like, "To Smell Like Bad Cheese without Even Trying" and "To Represent all the Colors in the Spectrum under the Skin of My Arm".

I will keep you posted.